NORTH CAMPUS—A regular Thursday evening in the Jameson 5th floor common room quickly devolved into shambles when weird student Jimmy Jenkins ’27 produced a Juul pod unlike any other, of the “Vent Behind Morrison” variety.
“It started out normally enough,” stated fellow Jameson Resident Julie Earles ’25. “He shouted that he was fiending for nic, which was like vaguely annoying, but then I thought hey, Jimmy having a nicotine addiction is the most normal thing about him. Not much surprises you from a guy who insists his name is short for Jimanthemum instead of something normal like James.” That moment of normalcy proved to be fleeting. Jenkins reportedly turned down a series of offered vapes, alluding to a ‘special new flavor.’
“That was when the stench began,” reported Resident Advisor Eddie Provos. “I wasn’t even on duty, but the putrid smell of moldy food, vomit, and dishwater pulled me out of my room.” Victims of this chemical warfare attack were reminded of that awful moment when the warm, disgusting air from the Morrison vent gut punches the unsuspecting passersby, infecting lungs, noses, and probably pores alike.
While the remainder of the residents were sent running for cover, Jenkins remained blissfully unaware of the hubbub around him, casually puffing on and appearing to savor each breath. “Mmm, the taste of the ground up rotting food at the bottom of a garbage disposal. Is that notes of buffalo chicken mac n cheeseburger pizza I taste?”
Jenkins remains oblivious and is reportedly looking forward to pulling out his new Okenshields flavored Juul pod next.