Tag Archives: Faculty

Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty.  University stakeholders have been weighing in from all Read More

Organic Chemistry Professor Receives MacArthur “Genius Award” for Passing Own Exam

BAKER LAB — Dr. William Dichtel was awarded the highly prestigious MacArthur “Genius Award” Fellowship when he became the first person to pass an orgo prelim that he himself gave to his students. When asked about how he earned the $625,000 recognition, Dichtel replied “I studied for a few hours, Read More

Assistant Professor Talking to Tenured Professors Like He’s Hot Shit or Something

RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can Read More