Students Eager to Return to Newly Financially-Stable ‘Cornell University, A Pepsi Company’

DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. 

University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate. 

“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate. 

The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students. 

“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.

“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.” 

As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.

Organic Chemistry Professor Receives MacArthur “Genius Award” for Passing Own Exam

BAKER LAB — Dr. William Dichtel was awarded the highly prestigious MacArthur “Genius Award” Fellowship when he became the first person to pass an orgo prelim that he himself gave to his students.

When asked about how he earned the $625,000 recognition, Dichtel replied “I studied for a few hours, but at the end of the day it came down to luck.”

The last person to successfully manage a 70% or higher on his own chemistry exam was Nobel Prize-winning chemist and Cornell faculty member Peter Debye, back in 1943.

“I still can’t believe I was able to remember concepts I’d been teaching for 10 years,” said the ground-breaking researcher, who will likely get through his own class just barely managing a B+.

After he had accepted the award, Dichtel was found on Yahoo answers looking up this week’s problem set.

Assistant Professor Talking to Tenured Professors Like He’s Hot Shit or Something

RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something.

“So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can I come with you?” exclaimed the over-excited Schweitz, hopelessly unaware of contemporary social paradigms among seasoned academicians.

“The pathetic little guy just doesn’t know his place yet among us tenured statisticians and analysts. He’s gotta earn our respect,” commented Dr. Erik Robertson, who asserted dominance among his colleagues by picking a fight with the department chair when he joined Cornell’s faculty in 1998.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I swear! Please don’t hurt me!” Schweitz was heard yelling as his esteemed colleagues jeered him up and down the fourth floor hallways of Mallott.

The audacious Dr. Schweitz allegedly also thought he could co-author a paper with a Fields medalist without first kissing the ground he walked on.