Dyson Junior Networks Too Hard, Marries Goldman Sachs Recruiter

SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended.

“When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase, staring adoringly at his wife-to-be during preparations for the wedding. “But I really wanted this job and connections are important, so I asked her to meet for coffee after the info session. Before I knew it, I had proposed with my emergency mood ring!”

Mr. and Mrs. Chase continued to discuss networking strategy over slices of moist wedding cake at their reception in Sage Chapel. In between being fed delicate forkfuls by the adoring groom, the newly-renamed Mrs. Meredith Chase gave more detail about the the hiring process. “When it comes to investment banking,” she said, “we like to keep it all in the family.”

While Mr. Chase has not yet gotten an interview with Goldman Sachs, he remains optimistic.

Goldman Sachs Resume Sorting Algorithm Totally into Hiking Too—AEM Junior Todd McKleary recently struck a chord with the robot responsible for sorting resumes submitted to Goldman Sachs after it was discovered the two share an interest in hiking.

The algorithm, licensed by Goldman Sachs from UK-based system provider Oleeo, has been ranking resumes for nearly half a decade and is reportedly happy to “give a nudge” to applicants who share its interest in exploring the outdoors.

McKleary, who hails from lower Manhattan and has never stepped foot inside a state park, has listed “hiking” as a personal interest on his resume since its inception.

According to Darlene Fauwler, Assistant Director of the SC Johnson College of Business’s Career Office, “It is well known that personal connections can really make or break applications to top financial institutions. Heck, just last year I had a student who received an offer from BlackRock just because he and his HireVue both went to the same middle school.”