Environmentally Conscious Student Reuses Condom For Two Months

COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months.

Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things are expensive, or hard,” said Rankle. “What about just using the same condom over and over again? It’s easy, and it makes you a good person!”

Maggie Berns ‘19, Rankle’s ex-girlfriend, defended his condom-reusing practice. “At first I thought it was pretty gross. But when I found out that it was for a good cause, like saving the planet, I was totally on board. Environmentalism is sexy!”

When asked for comment on Rankle’s condom, Executive Director of Cornell Health Kent Bullis stated: “We truly appreciate Geoff’s commitment to the environment and his anti-waste activism, but… maybe just plant a tree instead.”

Rankle plans to continue using his current condom for three more months. His next environmental project will be wiping less frequently to save toilet paper, and consequently, the world.

Something Clearly Oozing Out of Olin Hall

OLIN HALL—Citing several student accounts of an odd, viscous substance slowly flowing towards Ho Plaza and Campus Road, the Cornell University Police Department has announced that there is clearly something strange oozing out of Olin Hall.

“We’ve received numerous reports indicating that a bright green fluid has been spilling out of the cracks and doorways of Olin Hall, giving off a foul odor and light haze while liquefying everything in its path,” said police chief Kathy Zoner, who acknowledged that Olin Hall was home to the Chemical Engineering Department but would not jump to conclusions about the origins of the abnormal secretion.

“We are currently investigating the matter, but for now we recommend that all students stay 50 feet away from Olin Hall at all times, knowing that moving any closer to the slime could result in singed eyebrows and rotting of fingernails.”

Chemical engineers have since been evacuated from the premises, but have been seen gathering near the ooze while muttering “cool.”