CU Nooz’s Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Break is often a stressful time full of personality clashes and ideological disagreements. Here are CU Nooz’s tips for surviving!

  • Offer to breed, raise, slaughter, clean, and roast the turkey to avoid spending time with distant cousins.
  • Communicate only through memes to show your great aunt that your thoughts and feelings are in fact relatable.
  • Volunteer to stand directly in front of the television so that the alpha males of your family can’t butt heads over sports.
  • When your grandma asks you about your love life, remind her that Mary was a virgin.
  • Remember to avoid the upstairs bathroom, because that’s where your uncle goes to poop.
  • To help ease small talk, separate the group into three tables: adults, kids, and racists.
  • Repeatedly stare at backpack full of textbooks you optimistically lugged home but realistically will never open.
  • Write down versions of “It’s delicious!” and “Best I’ve ever had!” on the back of your hand to prepare for your mother’s constant need of validation for her cooking.
  • If things get quiet, repeatedly whisper “Roy Moore” until the things liven up. Then shout “Ben Carson” until everyone calms down again.
  • Remind your successful relatives that unless you find a job, you’ll be moving in with them, so they better hustle on the whole networking thing.
  • If things get stressful, just remember that after this break you have one week until finals begin, so you ain’t seen nothin yet. Perspective is key.

CU Nooz’s List of Best Spring Break Destinations and Best Places to Escape Your Past

With Spring break coming up next week, let’s take a look at the best places to vacation with your friends. Or, if you’re trying to escape your troubled past at all costs, we included some places that are good for that, too.

  • Cancun, Mexico – With miles of gorgeous beaches, stunning scenery, and friendly locals, Cancun is the place to be for spring break.
  • Adams, Minnesota – The only place they can’t trace you. Bring nothing.
  • Paradise Island, Bahamas – The name of this island says it all! A true relaxation destination.
  • Missoula, Montana – Frank said he has a cousin with a house out there. Apparently it’s a great place to lay low for a while, and it’s stocked with enough food for a few months or maybe a year if you ration it well.
  • Myrtle Beach, South Carolina – Beaches, golf, and nightlife all at a reasonable price? What more could you ask for?
  • Tijuana, Mexico – A town where no one has a name.
  • Las Vegas, Nevada – Who needs beaches when you’ve got pool parties, entertainment, and, of course, the world’s best casinos?
  • Miami, Florida – Massive parties make Miami a hot destination. The parties are so crowded, it’s easy to disappear and go entirely undetected. Simply slip away.

Who Should You Vote For in the SA Presidential Election?

We here at CU Nooz seek to provide our readers with the key facts they need to choose which candidate they think is best suited to serve as president of the Student Assembly. So here are the reasons you should vote for each of the SA Presidential election candidates:

Vote for Matthew Stefanko if:

  • You are a member of DSP.
  • You think “Stefanko” is a cool name.
  • He is not your archnemesis, lest a vote for him would create the illusion you are interested in reconciliation. He knows what he did. And he knows the feud will never end.
  • You always get a “Round House” when you go to CTB.
  • He was the first one to ask you if you had voted yet.

Vote for Juliana Batista if:

  • You are not in DSP.
  • You think “Batista” is a cool name.
  • She saved you from a burning building. You owe her at least that much.
  • You always complain about getting the same thing, but if you’re at CTB you’ll definitely end up getting a “California Dreamin'” again.
  • You dreamed a dream of time gone by, and that dream included Juliana Batista as SA President. Now you feel obligated to make this dream a reality just in case you’re developing clairvoyance or something.

Vote for Jeff Breuer if:

  • The first two just didn’t really strike you.
  • You think “Breuer” is a cool name.
  • Your only criteria is who campaigns the least invasively.
  • Your favorite thing to get at CTB is two hard-boiled eggs.
  • You believe in increasing the transparency of University operations.
  • You picked his name out of a hat.

CU Nooz’s List of Things to Do in March

March is a slow time of the year, with the weather still cold and overcast and spring still far off. Take a look at CU Nooz’s suggestions of how to spend your time in March.

  • The Commons has lots of cool events going on but you won’t go to any of them.
  • Go to class.
  • Celebrate National Music in our Schools Month.
  • Count the seconds until it’s warm again.
  • Breathe.
  • Become so bored that you debate what colors a fucking dress is.
  • Feel the slow embrace of boredom and swim in its murky depths.
  • Dread the day that you, too, will be dead.
  • Maintain personal hygiene.
  • Wait patiently.
  • Get caught up in March Madness by watching the Cornell’s games from the 2010 tournament and nothing else.
  • Do your homework.
  • Saint Patrick’s Day is one day, so that’s something.
  • Pray for the sweet release of April. 

CU Nooz’s Guide to Finding Parties

Finding parties in Collegetown without knowing anyone can be a challenge, and you may not even be able to get in once you find one! But with these helpful tips you’ll be living the college party life in no time:

  • Come by 5:30 to ensure that the party is not yet at capacity.
  • Use thermal imaging to determine what houses and apartments are heavily occupied.
  • Go to and apply to Syracuse University.
  • Be sure to wear your “Class of 2018” shirt. Partygoers will be more friendly and welcoming to someone who just got to campus.
  • Send an email to Kathy Zoner, Cornell Chief of Police, to ask her where the best parties are.
  • Don’t forget ID. No parties will allow underage students to drink alcohol, but we could probably find you a Sprite or something.
  • Many parties in Collegetown will advertise their presence by using crossed spotlights in the yard.
  • Just follow the smell of vomit and broken dreams to track down the upperclassmen.
  • Who do you know? Jon. There will be a Jon. And you will know him.
  • Prove you are truly a student at Cornell by loudly singing the Alma Mater as you walk down Catherine St., they can’t deny you if you are a student here.
  • I hear Tim, the tall guy in the suite over, has a sister who graduated like 3 years ago, so maybe that’s something?
  • Be a pretty girl. Travel only with other pretty girls.

CU Nooz’s Guide to Move-In Day

Move-In Day can be a mess, with thousands of students moving into their North Campus dorms. Stay ahead of the curve with these helpful tips:

  • To make moving into your room a breeze, don’t bring anything.

  • Secure a coveted parking spot close to your dorm arriving on campus 3 weeks late.

  • Organize everyone in your dorm to move everyone in fire-brigade style.

  • Emotions will run high, so it’s recommended that parents take sedatives to feel emotionally dull.

  • If you had one of those Mary Poppins bags that are normal sized but can fit lots of big stuff inside, that would help.

  • Don’t forget to schedule your parent swim test.

  • Be sure to practice your whipping strategy before hand. An experienced whipper can encourage friends and family members to do the job in half the time.

  • Meeting your roommates can be a big moment, and lavish gifts are expected. Two months salary is a good price range.

  • Avoid the big crowds by calling in a bomb threat.

  • Drop off your Post Owl at Appel’s Rookery before moving into your living quarters.

  • Don’t get ripped off by paying for campus laundry. Bring your own washer/dryer.

  • Make sure you go to the right campus. North Campus for Freshman, West for Upperclassmen, and Ithaca College Campus for Ithaca College students.

  • Have physically strong parents.


CU Nooz’s Spring 2014 Guide to Finals

  • If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there.
  • If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed!
  • The most important thing to do before a final is to get a good night’s sleep and have a hearty breakfast of Ritalin and coffee.
  • Despite the lovely spring weather, the room your final is in could be very cold. Be prepared! Take a couple of shots beforehand to keep yourself warm.
  • Be prepared in case your pencil breaks and bring a goosefeather and a sharp knife in order to make a spare quill.
  • If you need to cram for your history exam, build a time machine and live the material! Ask the real Harry Truman about the long-term effects of his policies.
  • Believe in yourself! You made it to Cornell for a reason — you were a legacy. Summon your grandfather’s spirit from beyond the grave to get some help on that Latin exam!
  • If you pick “C” for every answer, you’ll probably fail the essay portion of the exam.
  • Get back to studying. Your mother would be disappointed if she caught you reading this article.