CU Nooz’s Spring 2014 Guide to Finals

  • If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there.
  • If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed!
  • The most important thing to do before a final is to get a good night’s sleep and have a hearty breakfast of Ritalin and coffee.
  • Despite the lovely spring weather, the room your final is in could be very cold. Be prepared! Take a couple of shots beforehand to keep yourself warm.
  • Be prepared in case your pencil breaks and bring a goosefeather and a sharp knife in order to make a spare quill.
  • If you need to cram for your history exam, build a time machine and live the material! Ask the real Harry Truman about the long-term effects of his policies.
  • Believe in yourself! You made it to Cornell for a reason — you were a legacy. Summon your grandfather’s spirit from beyond the grave to get some help on that Latin exam!
  • If you pick “C” for every answer, you’ll probably fail the essay portion of the exam.
  • Get back to studying. Your mother would be disappointed if she caught you reading this article.

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