Physics Professor Real Fuckin’ Excited to Derive Some Equations Today

ROCKEFELLER HALL—In a surprising display of enthusiasm for nine in the goddamn morning, Professor Brian Kennedy began his first lecture of the day by kicking down the lecture hall door and shouting at the top of his lungs, “It’s derivation time, baby!” The esteemed and tenured member of the physics department, fueled by his love of deriving equations and approximately ten cups of coffee, proceeded to start blasting his “Lo-Fi Beats to Derive and Vibe To” playlist as he scribbled out the lesson plan on the chalkboard.

“He does this every Tuesday,” said Alex Valenti ‘23, shouting to be heard over the sounds of Schoolhouse Rock. “He’s just so fucking excited to smash a couple equations together and get a brand new equation, like a toddler on Christmas morning.”

Other members of the class agreed with Valenti, saying that Kennedy’s bizarre love for derivations was the highlight of their day. “I’m like, so constantly stressed out by so much bullshit,” said Monica Patrick ‘24, who sits in the front row and often has to brush chalk dust out of her hair when the award-winning renowned professor gets a little too buckwild with his equations. “But then I come to physics class and Professor Kennedy’s yelling about how goddamn cool the Euler equation is, and it’s like, damn, he’s right! I can’t wait to derive the shit out of these equations!”

As of press time, Professor Kennedy had leapt on top of his podium, brandishing an electric guitar in hand, to give the Fourier Transform the proper fucking respect it deserved.

Professor Wants Everyone To Succeed Unless They’re Dumb

KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid.

“I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key concepts on this exam. If you think you need a little extra help, feel free to stop by during my office hours this week,” said Coleman to her students. “That being said, if you simply don’t have the mental capacity to understand the complex subject matter, you might as well stay home because there’s nothing I can do for you.”

She added that she loved watching brilliant students succeed in her class. That being said, though some dumb students might improve their scores, it would be a waste of her time to focus on them when the smarter students took up much less of her time.

“She gave up helping me understand generative phonology after like five minutes. She’s probably right. If I didn’t understand that, I’ll probably never contribute anything meaningful to linguistics, or society as a whole,” said Mohammed Imani ‘20.

Coleman later updated her email settings to send low-scoring students’ emails directly into the spam folder.

Trustee Meeting on Improving University Transparency Closed to Public

DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public.

“We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this university that we are committed to an inclusive discussion. Therefore, this meeting will take into account a diverse range of the one to two perspectives authorized to attend,” said Chairman Tom Chasney ’82, who has been spearheading the drive for administrative candor since the beginning of the year.

“We are thrilled that the administration is taking student inclusion seriously,” said Student Assembly representative Eric Nicholson ‘17. “I am confident in positive results from this meeting held inside steel reinforced sound-buffering concrete walls with double-locked palladium alloy doors.”

The Board Chairman recognizes that there are still improvements to be made and has subsequently moved the meeting to an undisclosed off-campus location.