Professor Wants Everyone To Succeed Unless They’re Dumb

KENNEDY HALL— After handing back her first set of prelims this semester, Linguistics Professor Margret Coleman took the opportunity to remind the class she was committed to helping every student in the class succeed, so long as they aren’t stupid.

“I noticed some of you had trouble with certain key concepts on this exam. If you think you need a little extra help, feel free to stop by during my office hours this week,” said Coleman to her students. “That being said, if you simply don’t have the mental capacity to understand the complex subject matter, you might as well stay home because there’s nothing I can do for you.”

She added that she loved watching brilliant students succeed in her class. That being said, though some dumb students might improve their scores, it would be a waste of her time to focus on them when the smarter students took up much less of her time.

“She gave up helping me understand generative phonology after like five minutes. She’s probably right. If I didn’t understand that, I’ll probably never contribute anything meaningful to linguistics, or society as a whole,” said Mohammed Imani ‘20.

Coleman later updated her email settings to send low-scoring students’ emails directly into the spam folder.

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