With all the buzz surrounding Valentine’s Day and everyone’s excitement about receiving their Perfect Match results, I just wanted to put this out there: last year, the girl who was supposed to be my “perfect match” wouldn’t let me anywhere near her feet.
While there was a lot of big talk about the cutting-edge formula behind this quiz, it must have completely fucked up, because not only did my prescribed sweetheart refrain from letting me count her toes with my tongue, she acted all surprised when I tried to steal one of her dirty socks from her gym bag.
I get it. I get it. We had “just met” and we were “sitting in the middle of Mac’s Cafe” but how was I supposed to know the quiz had paired me up with such a weirdo? If I had known my “ideal girl” was going to be so uptight, I wouldn’t have bought all those scented lotions I planned on massaging her calves and ankles with. Thanks for nothing, Perfect Match.
My friends claim this year’s quiz is even more comprehensive, but fool me twice, shame on me. Quite frankly, if you don’t have the decency to show me those little piglets, then why are you even looking for love on the internet?
PEPSICO AUDITORIUM– In an attempt to encourage healthy on campus living habits, Cornell Dining, Cornell Health, and the Cornell Department of Nutritional Sciences have released a food guide recommending that students consume 12 servings of PepsiCo products every day.
“Many young adults find out that college is the time to start thinking about what you eat,” said Cornell Health administrator Juanita Thomas ‘91. “That’s why it’s so important to clarify that they should be aiming to eat roughly 10 to 14 portions of PepsiCo products, such as those available at Cornell Dining’s many locations across campus.”
Despite the guide’s stringent requirements, university officials believe they can help students make healthy choices. “We understand the need to treat yourself to some Whole Foods, or maybe even a General Mills product every once in a while, but this should generally be a special occasion instead of the norm,” said a Cornell Dining representative. “That’s why we’re committed to selling healthy alternatives like 1.25 L bottles of soda for as little as 99 cents.”
At press time, the three organizations announced an addendum to the guide, reminding students to use only the finest SC Johnson hand sanitizer prior to eating their 12 servings of Pepsi-co products.
Last week, the TA sighed when I raised my hand for help. That really stung, but I expect it will only haunt me for a few more years. Then, my best friend got an offer from her dream internship. It made me feel like shit. I’ll never accomplish my goals, but I don’t deserve to anyway, because I’m completely worthless and talentless—and a bad friend too!
“Experts” say that imposter syndrome is all in the mind, but a classmate made a great point that I could never have thought of in a discussion section. The simplest answer: I’m a big dummy with bad thoughts! After that, I cried in the McGraw Hall bathroom.
Someone three rows back whispered “WTF” when I asked a question in class. That one was a big oof. When I got rejected from three separate pre-professional clubs, it cut to the very core of my being. Then I ate three chocolate croissants in one sitting.
I only got into Cornell because of my good grades that I didn’t deserve and extracurricular involvement that totally sucked. Maybe in high school my slightly above average intellect would have impressed my peers, but now I feel like I’m annoying my “friends” when I have to ask questions about their genius-level dining table conversations.
The worst part of it all (other than the constant feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness) is my fear that the admissions office is going to figure out they made a mistake and rescind my acceptance. Once Cornell finds out, I’m screwed! Until then, I guess I’ll have to endure death by a thousand more successful students.
HEALTH SERVICES – To help students stay healthy, health professionals at Gannett Health Services have released recommendations for avoiding the flu, encouraging those on campus to avoid sneezing into each other’s mouths as often as possible.
“We recommend washing your hands regularly,” said Gannett physician Dr. Martin Trombly, “as well as getting plenty of sleep, and discourage yourself from going up to other students who are yawning or talking and sneezing right down their exposed throats.”
Among other recommendations from Gannett are not sharing drinks and wearing surgical masks to prevent others or yourself from projecting mucus into the mouths of everyone around you.
“I got the flu last year because I let a friend of mine sneeze in my mouth,” commented Jennie Christensen ‘18, “Now I’m not friends with that person and I am very health conscious about my open mouth.”
Students who have contracted the flu are encouraged to stay at home to prevent the spread of disease and not lick anyone’s face.
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates.
“I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24 hours by the EMTs on standby. “Wow, we really need to restock the fridge,” said Haysworth, as his mother, who came to visit him in light of recent events, escorted him out of the bathroom.
Haysworth’s friends and family have all recounted what a great and bright person he was before his excessive smoking of the non-addictive, non-gateway, and naturally growing substance. “Now he still sits in his bean bag chair all day and plays Xbox,” said his nostalgic housemate Terrance Creighton ’17, who recounted the good old days when they used to do other things than just smoke kush. “He will sorely be remembered.”
His friends and family have also stated that no charitable foundation would or could be named after him in the near or far future. “We were thinking about starting a foundation for the awareness of cannabis abuse in honor of our son, but then we realized that that was not a thing, and that Michael hadn’t really achieved anything in life, and was also perfectly fine,” said Mrs. Clark-Haysworth, as she realized she took a day off from work for nothing.
Preliminary reports have also indicated that an autopsy would not be necessary.
GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17.
“If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed a cartoon phallus from Covington’s poster next to the elevator, forcing dozens of impressionable freshmen to take notice of the condom-less male genitalia and reconsider their own sexual shenanigans.
“I considered having unprotected sex with Ken later, but there’s no way I’ll go for that now. Thanks Rick the Dick!” stated resident Lily Newhart ’19, forever changed due to the informative poster down the hall from her dorm.
Gannett later said that the next goal was to reduce the spread of viruses on campus by placing even more jokey warning stickers on every soap and hand sanitizer dispenser.
HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue taking the course without any serious drops in your grades. Do not take a dose of reality if you are currently taking classes you don’t care about. Side-effects of the break include wanting five more minutes of sleep and cramming for Wednesday. If you begin missing home, call your parents immediately. Ask yourself if a vacation is right for you. If your break lasts for more than four days, visit your professor to find out how to catch up on all you’ve missed.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Still angered over the introduction of the new Gannett health fee, student activists stormed into Smithsonian Secretary David Skorton’s office in Washington, refusing to leave until the fee was revoked.
“We are here to show the administration that the student body will not quietly sit back and succumb to their corporate agenda. $350 is too much.” said Joseph Glazer ‘17, holding up a sign saying “No Flex Zone” and having spent about $575 on gas, food, and hotel rooms to make the trip to Washington D.C.
“If President Skorton really thought he’d be able ignore our demands as usual by moving to the nation’s capital hundreds of miles away, then he sorely underestimates the power of student activism,” added Cillian Muller ‘18.
Other protesters on the National Mall, those decrying human rights violations, climate change and congressional inactivity, passed by the Cornellians outside the Smithsonian Castle, admiring the righteous cause of the dozen irate Ivy League students upset with their marginal increase in student healthcare.
The protests dissipated later that day, with the students returning to Ithaca, eager to wait for the next University inconvenience to raise up arms yet again.
GANNETT HEALTH CENTER – Following the news that multiple construction workers had sustained injuries on the site of the new health center, Cornell University Health Services announced today that they estimate the injured workers will be able to receive full treatment at Gannett by the summer of 2017.
“I got a pretty bad scrape on my right arm last week, it might be broken, but we can’t really be received at Gannett before we finish building it” said worker Ben Kipp, who will have to wait another two years until his project is done before he can finally see a doctor.
“My buddy Johnny [Tyrell] might have broken a toe last week, but he’s in charge of building the x-ray office, so he’s his own worst enemy at this point. The sign says we’ll be done by Summer 2017, and I hope we reach that goal, because a lot of us here need medical attention.”
Following the Gannett announcement, university officials overseeing construction went on to announce that, until construction on Klarman Hall is completed, no construction worker should even bother with the thought of majoring in the humanities.
EDDY STREET— Already three weeks into her last fall semester at Cornell, Samantha Derraugh ’16 only just acknowledged that she will not be able to give off the appearance of having her shit together for much longer. The senior ILR major explained her trite daily routine does not allow any time to sort out her personal obligations nor plans for the future.
“I haven’t done any internships or research, so it’s amazing that people still think I know what the hell I’m doing” said Derraugh as she aimlessly read over her unpolished resume for the sixth time that day.
Derraugh calculated that about a third of her friends have already secured jobs for after graduation, another third plan on attending graduate or professional schools, and the rest still seem to have some modicum of self-direction for where they want their life to go.
“I guess I could always work for my dad, but I have no interest in what he does at all. Was I supposed to go to the Career Fair?”
At press time, Derraugh was seen giving up.