Student Awakens Yet Again to Re-Adjust Oscillating Fan

COLLEGETOWN—Drenched in sweat and in a state of utter defeat, Matthew Finley ‘20 awoke yet again last night to re-adjust his oscillating fan.

“See, I want it close to me, but then it can’t pull in the cool air from the window! What do I do?” cried a desperate Finley, shifting the fan an inch to the right and then leaping into bed to see if it helped.

The recent heat wave has become a major inconvenience for Finley and his roommates, whose overcrowded $1200/month Collegetown heatbox of an apartment seems to provide suboptimal locations for electric fans.

Finley’s pacing during the night added about 10 degrees to the room’s temperature. This morning, he was attempting to befriend freshmen who’ve scored the air conditioned dorms on North Campus.

OP-ED: I Refuse To Shower If I’m Just Going To Walk Somewhere Later

I’m done. That’s it. I give up. I’m not showering until the weather cools down. Every single day, no matter where I go or what time it is, I am drenched in sweat from head to toe. Collegetown to Uris? No question. Rockefeller to the Engineering Quad? Yep. I had to walk from Klarman to Goldwin Smith and I STILL looked like I had just left some secret sauna on campus. There’s no point, and that’s why I will not shower my body for the foreseeable future.

I’ve tried everything. Putting my backpack over just one shoulder so my shirt can breathe, wearing light colored clothing, buying a parasol, and even walking entirely nude to class. Literally nothing works. Therefore, I’ve made up my mind and I’m not changing it. There is no reason to be clean if the world we live in is sweaty.

I refuse to shower until the weather cools down. If every time I am forced to leave the confines of the indoors I appear to have more sweat on my back than someone who just finished their third Crossfit class of the day, why should I have to lather and rinse myself in order to repeat the same process the next day? It makes NO sense.

Congrats Mother Nature, you win. Until the weather cools down and I can comfortably walk to class without being drenched, I am not showering. Frankly I don’t care what I smell like; you’re not better than me with your clean, functioning pores. At least, I’ll embrace my sweat while the rest of you losers continue to fight the inevitable stank of defeat.