RA Dutifully JA’s Self After Bringing Alcohol Back to Dorm Room

DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room.

“It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living experience for all of my residents, and I broke that promise by keeping the Svedka in my backpack when I came home,” said Newman, who also reported himself last semester for being too loud during quiet hours. “Sitting through two sessions of BASICS is a small price to pay to uphold the tremendous responsibility Cornell has granted me.”

“I take very seriously my obligation to report every single infraction of the no-alcohol rule, no matter how harmless,” he continued.

Over the course of the twenty minutes it took Newman to write up his report, a total of 26 standard drinks were consumed in dorm rooms on his floor.

University Hearing Board Accused of Reading, Interpreting Campus Code of Conduct

DAY HALL—Claiming it was a flagrant breach of university bylaws, the Office of the Judicial Administrator accused the University Hearing Board of reading the Campus Code of Conduct on Wednesday, when the Board cleared a student for leaking documents to the Daily Sun.

“The actions taken by the UHB to fully comprehend the meaning behind institutional rules, and then issue a verdict based on that understanding, is a blatant abuse of power,” said Dean Barbara Knuth. The Senior Vice Provost then labeled the interpretation of the Campus Code of Conduct a “misuse of University or non-University documents,” according to the Campus Code of Conduct.

“Any enforcement of the Code as intended by its numerous faculty and student authors is unlawful as stated by the administration’s Machiavellian reading of the same text.”

These latest accusations have been hailed by university leaders as a necessary step towards justice and free speech for Deans and Provosts across campus.