DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room.
“It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living experience for all of my residents, and I broke that promise by keeping the Svedka in my backpack when I came home,” said Newman, who also reported himself last semester for being too loud during quiet hours. “Sitting through two sessions of BASICS is a small price to pay to uphold the tremendous responsibility Cornell has granted me.”
“I take very seriously my obligation to report every single infraction of the no-alcohol rule, no matter how harmless,” he continued.
Over the course of the twenty minutes it took Newman to write up his report, a total of 26 standard drinks were consumed in dorm rooms on his floor.
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