RA Dutifully JA’s Self After Bringing Alcohol Back to Dorm Room

DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room.

“It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living experience for all of my residents, and I broke that promise by keeping the Svedka in my backpack when I came home,” said Newman, who also reported himself last semester for being too loud during quiet hours. “Sitting through two sessions of BASICS is a small price to pay to uphold the tremendous responsibility Cornell has granted me.”

“I take very seriously my obligation to report every single infraction of the no-alcohol rule, no matter how harmless,” he continued.

Over the course of the twenty minutes it took Newman to write up his report, a total of 26 standard drinks were consumed in dorm rooms on his floor.

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