ITHACA—The stars have once again aligned for young lovers Thomas “Tom” Wayman ‘22 and Stephanie French ‘22. This February 14th, in addition to Valentine’s Day, the couple will also celebrate their 23rd consecutive day together.
“When the universe aligns like this, it just shows that Stephanie and I are meant to be,” boasted Wayman. “She’s really one of a kind. It’s so rare to find a girl who’s shy around people she doesn’t really know, but who can be really outgoing once you get to know her better.”
Although the pair have only been dating for less than a month, friends of the couple have frequently remarked about the couple’s “extreme closeness.”
“Ever since Tom and Stephanie made it official, they’ve spent every second together. They eat every meal with each other and he sleeps over every night. They just adopted their third dog together and yesterday I saw them shopping for baby clothes,” reported French’s roommate Maeve Sweeny ‘22.
Wayman and French have also begun planning for their 30th day anniversary, which, by yet another fortuitous coincidence, overlaps with Canada’s National Family Day.
ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment.
Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus with no destination in mind just to get a kiss from the fellow. Freshman Marcus Schulze described what he likes so much about kissing Rick: “Is it the scratch of his thick, ginger beard on the corners of my lips as we connect? The salty taste of the tuna he had for lunch in his saliva? Or is it the gentle grasp of his calloused hands on my supple cheeks? It’s everything.”
The new TCAT policy has proven to be wildly popular, so much so that Tompkins County has begun rolling out their newest rewards program, where riders can get a free bus ride after ten smooches, and a free full year bus pass after having sex with their bus driver of choice.
While some of the more unattractive bus drivers have welcomed the rewards program with open arms, other drivers such as Eunice, who drives on route 30, have already denied this privilege to a majority of students who she calls “uglies.”
“Eunice was playing hard to get for a while, but I knew that with my stunning looks, athletic build, and empty wallet that there was no way she could deny a ride and a snog from someone like me. The rumors of her kisses reminding you of the ‘comfort and warmth of the womb’ were definitely true,” said Dale Springer ‘22.
As a result of this new policy, students around campus have reported their fellow classmates having fresher breath and looking overall way sexier for their favorite TCAT bus driver.