WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird.
“There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all the good I do by reading A People’s History of the United States totally like Kyle does in Ladybird!,” Gross complained.
Gross continued, “honestly, I think my allyship is centered in encouraging women to follow their dreams by telling them they’re destined for better things and that I like their dumb bogus plans so they’ll sleep with me. But this information has shaken me to my core. What if I need to watch another movie? Ugh, fine, I’ll Netflix Green Book.”
Gross revealed that after this shock, he consulted with an FGSS major friend, Charlie Trea ‘23, to learn more about how to be a better ally. “Yeah, I’m not sure why Roger thinks we’re friends,” said Trea. “We were in an FWS last year and he kept asking for my notes and mentioning our female professor was ‘bangin.’ I tried to tell him that allyship means uplifting unheard voices and using your privilege in a space to protect those without it, but he just interrupted me to ask why I think strong women like Ladybird need any man to talk for them.”
Trea expressed optimism that Gross might learn a little more about allyship from Gerwig’s upcoming film Barbie: The Movie.
LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood has been abuzz this week as legendary director Steven Spielberg has announced he will be directing his new film Archaeology 2140 on Cornell University’s campus, starring none other than Academy Award-Nominated Actor Harrison Ford.
Amblin Entertainment reports principal photography will begin next semester on-location in Uris Hall, with the film casting hundreds of extras on campus playing the role of “Students.” Production will be funded entirely by the extras, whose roles will consist of of taking notes, writing essays, and finishing exams before the film’s release in December of 2016.
Harrison Ford will be playing the role of “Professor Jones,” who following his detailed “syllabus,” will be running away from large boulders, performing heart-removal rituals, and covering an entire unit on how ancient Aztecs were actually influenced by telepathic extra-terrestrials. There are no details about the script, but further speculation suggests the story will be loosely based off a $250 textbook each extra is required to purchase for themselves.
In wake of this announcement, many Hollywood execs have suggested director Peter Jackson is also planning to helm his new project Medieval Studies 2130 at Cornell in 2017.
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Despite critical acclaim for Touchdown’s stellar performance in Alejandro Iñárritu’s The Revenant, Cornell’s own beloved mascot will return empty-handed to Ithaca after being nominated for Best Supporting Bear in this year’s Academy Awards.
“It shocked the film community to say the least,” says Professor Arthur Simms, Director of the Cornell Ursinology Film Studies Institute. “Touchdown’s performance was nothing short of spectacular. From the opening frame he managed to hit his target emotions when necessary, and was able to effortlessly get across his more sensitive side, especially during the scene when the Cornell mascot was trying to gnaw Leo DiCaprio’s face off.”
Although disappointed, Touchdown appeared to maintain his composure during the ceremony when the Oscar went to the bears of Bear Story, who were praised for their performance in Gabriel Varga’s riveting animated short.
“This is a major disappointment,” said Jenny Stephenson ’18, “Touchdown was the clear choice. No other bear had the skill to simultaneously perform with the passion of a Grizzly, and the caress and nuances of a Kodiak.”
When asked for comment, Touchdown stormed away, ferociously roaming through Beverly Hills, convinced his only option now is to go back to cheering on hockey fans since his acting career has peaked.