“These COVID Restrictions Are Tyrannical,” Complain Frats While Spitting Directly Into Each Other’s Mouths

COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse.

“This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that specifically says we cannot spit into each other’s mouths, so long as we do it outside while six feet apart. Frankly, that last bit has made this whole thing a bit difficult, but if I could take the ZG Pong Championship as a freshman, I could do this, no sweat. Administration needs to know we will not stand idly by while they arbitrarily assign new rules and then take them away when cases go down.”

Cornell’s fraternity council has tapped into anger shared by many among students and faculty, albeit in an unconventional manner. Following a faculty letter to the Provost urging better safeguards against the pandemic, frats have redoubled their efforts slinging saliva in solidarity with the worried educators. After a weekend of protest led directly to greater restrictions, fraternity brothers are certain their efforts are making a difference on campus.

James Donnoly PhD ‘85, a professor in CAS, expressed confusion at the protests. “Wait, they think we’re on their side?” he asked. “The entire point is that restrictions have no enforcement mechanism. Students roam the halls without masks, and some of us have immune disorders or family members at risk. We’re crowded into halls with no ability to shift anything online and no options for flexible teaching. They just threw like 20 darties without masks, and they think projectile phlegm is going to help us?”

As new fraternities sign on to the Spit Solidarity Campaign, the movement only seems to be gathering support. At press time, several fraternities have begun plans for a Spittle Sharpshooter fundraiser to advocate for frat members unjustly quarantined since protests began.

Ithaca Bar Scene Not Good Enough to Warrant Anti-Lockdown Protests

Ashley He/Cornell Daily Sun

ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests.

“Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,” said Allen Rogers ‘21. “Not even the allure of Fishbowl Wednesday is enough to make me fight for bar owners that rejected my $70 Connecticut fake last year.”

Other students expressed similar sentiment about Ithaca’s garbage bar scene. “If you’re going to close at 1 AM, why not close permanently?” asked Janice Durney ‘20.

As of press time, protestors were seen in front of Day Hall calling for frat party restrictions to be lifted.

Campus Activists Organize Hunger Strike Just In Time For Spring Break Dieting

HO PLAZA—To the relief of many students, a recent hunger strike in response to continued government inaction on sensible gun reform has aligned perfectly with the dieting period before Spring Break.

“No matter how strict my meals were, I could never lose enough weight to get the bod I wanted. It’s much easier to squeeze into my bikini now that I’ve got a cause,” said Samantha Tinker ‘20. “I’m getting skinny for America!”

Strike organizers have expressed their distaste with protesters acting on the sole goal of losing weight before partying at an expensive resort.

“I have dedicated my entire semester to combating injustice with civil disobedience, only to see these faux activists jump in to look ‘hot’ for their Cabo instagram pics,” complained Henry Doubleday ‘18 on his fifth day of fasting. “It’s much easier to just pop a filter on your shirtless photo.”

Many of the soon-to-be spring breakers were inspired to organize a 10-mile “March Against Injustice” to burn some last minute calories before their college vacations of a lifetime.