University Just Cancels Class Because It Didn’t Do The Reading

DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading.

“Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for Thirsty Thursday instead of preparing to sit in silence during discussion tomorrow.

Stressed about the crazy amount of work from class this semester, the University has considered either switching to pass/fail or seducing the TA at Loco tonight for a good grade.

“Everyone always says what I was going to say before it’s my turn anyway,” it added as it tried to further justify cancelling class. “And I don’t get why we even have to read this, it’s not like we’re ever going to use it in real life.”

Sources confirmed that the University will probably procrastinate on this and every other reading until finals, when surely a couple of caffeine pills and a hopefully lenient TA should do the trick.

Asshole Professor Assigns Reading When All the Other Shit Is Due

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL – In what is sure to be received as a total dick move by his Earth Science students, asshole Professor Robert Simpson assigned a ninety-page reading for Monday when all everyone’s other shit is due.

“This guy’s a total shithead,” said Peter Clegg ‘17, turning two pages without looking at the reading, “doesn’t he realize I have a prelim on Monday? What a piss-guzzling rat of a person.”

Professor Simpson is such an asswipe that he seems unaware that his class is just a requirement-filling time-suck, and he’s actually entertaining the dipshit idea that he should try to teach something to his students.

“I think this important reading will completely change the way my students think about rocks,” said the masochistic fuck, excited about the additional stress he was inflicting upon his students.

“Man, fuck that guy,” reported the class.