Unemployed but Determined Senior Adds “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to LinkedIn Headline

COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline.

“‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A Chance’ is borderline desperate,” explained Pearce, wondering what two to five word phrase could walk the line between last-resort and enthusiastic optimism. “I was thinking about going all out and having it say ‘Intended Incoming Employed Person,’ but I feel good about this middle ground.”

Pearce’s friends tell him his efforts may be better directed towards interview prep or applying to graduate school. However, the resilient senior is confident that his future employer will be handpicking new hires based on their most inspired LinkedIn Headline, and that this updated online presence will seal the deal for him. Pearce went on to say that “besides, resumes are just supposed to direct you towards your LinkedIn anyway, right?”

Shortly after receiving the seventh straight rejection email, Pearce reportedly doubled-down on his job hunt efforts and updated his LinkedIn Headline to “Visionary. Thinker. Dreamer.”

Freshman Boasts Outstanding Expected GPA on Résumé

BARTON HALL—Setting himself apart from other candidates at Career Fair, David Lansing ‘21 decided to include an outstanding expected GPA in his résumé.

“I got the idea from my high school guidance counselor,” said the excited freshman while waiting in line to speak with Google representatives. “She basically told me that anyone who’s serious about getting a job should include a high GPA and emphasize their potential for success.”

When asked by recruiters how he calculated a 4.3, Lansing produced his “projected transcript”, which consisted of a list of his current courses with A+s written next to each in ballpoint pen, except for one course that was just a mediocre A to make things realistic.

“All of the companies I’ve talked to are really taking notice of my expected grade point average,” the confident job applicant gushed. “I’m so glad I chose to place it in a bolder font before my two summers of lifeguarding experience and list of skills, like fluency in English and Microsoft Word.”

Lansing managed to visit seven booths at the Career Fair, practicing his humble nod as each company’s recruiter widened their eyes at his GPA and wordlessly placed his résumé in the coveted pile behind them.

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

BARNES HALL — Preparing for his re-entry into the unemployment pool this summer, President Rawlings solicited a member of career services to critique his résumé.

“Now that I’ll be looking for a job again, I thought it would be best for someone to make sure everything is up to date and correctly formatted,” said President Rawlings as he entered the service center.

The career specialist looked at Rawlings’ résumé and noticed several glaring weaknesses, specifically with his job history and age.

“It looks like this is the third time you’ve been let go at this position, you will to have to be prepared to explain that to employers. You should also try to develop some technical skills other than sending mass emails, that would really help you compete with younger applicants who are fresh out of their first presidency position,” said the career services worker.

Despite the several deficiencies apparent in his work experiences, Rawlings hopes that Cornell’s name will be enough to get him a job before inauguration.