Freshman Waiting on Mom to Cut Up Large Piece of Chicken

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate.

“There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and trying to recall what Mrs. Doyle would do. “I could use a knife, but then how would I navigate around the icky skin and gummy parts?”

Doyle prodded the lump impatiently while lamenting the troublesome presentation of his main course, which would never have happened in the comfort of his home.

“I just wish Mom was here to make a friendlier dinner that I could actually understand,” said the flustered student as he remembered the thin slices of chicken breast she would fold into his sandwiches, or the fun-sized Dino nuggets he could actually bite.

Defeated, Doyle tossed his cumbersome entree, instead opting for a bowl of off-brand Lucky Charms and calling his mother for once to tell her how much he missed her.

Romantic Evening Ruined by RPCC Closing at 9:00

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY – Following a wonderful, chemistry-filled conversation over Mongolian stir-fry and chicken bacon ranch pizza, the mood between Lance Becker ‘20 and Sarah Burr ‘20 was reportedly killed Tuesday night when the guy behind the pasta counter reminded them the dining hall would be closing at 9:00 p.m.

“Everything was going well until we were rudely interrupted. The lights weren’t too bright or too dim, the line for roast beef sushi was only five people long, and Lance was everything I imagined a man who takes me to a suave place like RPCC could be,” said Burr, who believed she never saw love until Becker volunteered a guest swipe to pay for her meal.

“We have standards at this fine establishment that is the Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery. If I didn’t tell the two to leave, then all of the lovers on the Bear Traditional dining plan would talk late into the night, hours after closing,” said a student employee, jealous after her bad date Thursday at Appel.

Even after the disappointing end to their evening, Burr is reportedly considering asking Becker to join her next week at some place nicer, like Cook House on West Campus.

Paris Climate Conference Concludes Ice Cream Melting at a Faster Rate than Previously Thought

RPCC DINING HALL – The world’s leading climate scientists confirmed that the scoop of French vanilla ice cream Jordan Chaplain ’19 placed on top of his waffle has shown signs of premature deglaciation, at a rate much faster than experts previously surmised, as concluded at climate talks in Paris this past week.

“What we’re seeing here is a very clear pattern of how all of this will play out. By 6:32 PM EST, about ten minutes from now, all the ice cream in this plate region will have melted,” says Edouard Barth, renowned French climatologist. “If we don’t do anything to resolve this issue, it could mean catastrophe for all waffles a la mode.”

Despite the outcry of some skeptics, the scientific community has come to a unanimous conclusion that the cause of the catastrophe can ultimately be traced back to human activity.

“99.9% of researchers believe that if mankind had either reduced emissions of greenhouse gases, or simply eaten dessert quickly, the ice cream would not have melted in this way,” says Stephen Kallbekken, Director of the Centre of International Climate and Energy Policy. “We also strongly believe that the hot chocolate fudge that Chaplain, and soft-serve enjoyers across the planet, are applying over the concoction has only exacerbated the problem.”

Kallbekken further added, “What is most worrying is the effect that all the melting will have on the surrounding plate regions. It is a distinct possibility that a waffle, above which lies the melting dairy product, will render the entire area soggy and eventually–if Jordan and America do not cooperate with our efforts to ameliorate the conditions–become inedible for future inhabitants of dining halls across the globe.”

In light of the recent crisis, Chaplain has already begun talks with his parents of potentially divesting from ramen noodles and transitioning to plant-based, alternative energy sources.