OP-ED: Love Triangle? Pentagon? I’m in a Love Dot

MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And Emily? Her love life is even more complex, why, she’s in a love pentagon! How does that even work? I don’t know, but she at least has a shape goddamn it. All the while, I couldn’t help but think one thing: what about me? I don’t have a shape.

For far too long, we’ve allowed people who can’t make up their goddamn minds about love to define a cool shape for their relationship problems. But if there is one thing that teen romantic comedies taught me, it would be that by defining your lack of mutual romantic attraction to someone as a geometric structure is the truest testament to a sound mind.

Why be lame and admit that your crush doesn’t like you when you can instead be in a spiffy and spicy love triangle? When your love life is defined by a geometric silhouette, anything is game. Want to read his mail? Go right ahead; you can’t let Natalee win! Need to dye his crush’s hair an awful shade of green? All is fair in love-triangles and war. For this reason, I have come to the brave decision that I will no longer accept the slur “single.” Nay, “single” is for those vanilla bitches. You know the type: ladies who are confident in themselves, have healthy hobbies, and do not need external validation through relationships. You see, I’m mature enough to know that’s not me. All real relationships correspond to shapes that we learned in 9th grade geometry class. Or, in other words, I’m in a love dot.

Small Bag of Free Popcorn Only Thing Keeping Majority of Students Going

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A new study has concluded that the only thing keeping most Cornell students going each day is getting a small bag of free popcorn from Willard Straight Hall.

“Our research indicates that without the prospect of shuffling over to Willard Straight Hall to eat a fist-sized bag of popcorn, 54% of Cornell students would have no reason to get out of bed,” stated lead researcher and psychology professor Carol Windmere.

Survey responses reflected that in the absence of fulfilling classes or meaningful interpersonal relationships, the customizable Resource Center snack is the lone point of dim light in a large portion of the student body’s otherwise dreary life.

“A statistically significant number reported that their free popcorn gave them just enough lifeblood to get through the rest of the day until their next visit to the popcorn booth,” said Windmere, before recommending that those who take their popcorn plain should consider checking out Gannett’s mental health resources.

A press release has declared the study’s results overwhelmingly positive, and administrators have begun brainstorming new ways to feed students tiny morsels of feigned happiness to keep them from abandoning hope that their lives will have any meaning.

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks

STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted.

“Now that I’ve been locked out of one class for next semester, I’ll have to wait until add/drop or more slots open up” said Thaddeus Karels ’20, devastated that his little fingers couldn’t click fast enough to register for his course. Well, tough tiddles for you, you myopic shithead, what are you going to do about it now?

Despite the knowledge that they have a very high chance of getting all their favorite classes once the semester starts, and in the seven semesters ahead of them, hundreds of incoming freshmen have elected to complain about it anyways like a bunch of puerile dickwads.

“Student Center froze on me, and now I have to take another course from the wide selection of intellectually stimulating classes that this world renown university offers,” said insufferable asshat Gordon Johnston ’20.

Sources report that in addition to yammering on about pre-enroll, this year’s freshman class is busying themselves worrying about living in the low rises and making sure every little tiny detail about their first year of school is absolutely perfect. Jesus fucking Christ, you spoiled swines.