OP-ED: It’s Time to Deport A Cappella Groups to Ithaca College

Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A CAPPELLANS, have unleashed a series of torturous concerts, and they are not through. They never will be. 

I ask you: remains there a single Cornellian untouched by this blight? Do we want innocent first-years exposed to this, hurt by this, for years to come? Do you, dear reader, want to deal with another wave of concerts ever again?

Fortunately, there is hope. As Cornell carries this curse, so too is it blessed—for a solution lurks nearby. Many Cornellians have had the misfortune of spotting this wretched place. Perhaps, while browsing Olin’s stacks or strolling atop the slope, you have noticed in the distance two unsightly towers and a grotesque spire. That, my friend, is Ithaca College. 

Most Cornellians only ever think of this peculiar institution when we encounter one of their students in the Commons or on a bus—and then quickly forget about it. Unfortunately, our current problem requires us to learn a bit about them. You see, Ithaca College is largely a music school. Whereas we rightly judge the A CAPPELLANS as strange and dangerous, Ithaca College and its students welcome, encourage, and support these deviant beatboxers and ooh-ahhers. I will not claim to know what goes on in their minds to bring them to such a conclusion, but, needless to say, it is twisted and dark.

A solution to our woes, then, presents itself. I say, for the good of Cornell and Cornellians, expel the A CAPPELLANS! Let them live amongst their wicked brothers and sisters!

Perhaps the humanitarians reading this are wary. Friends, I assure you this solution is best for everyone. We Cornellians will be free from this scourge, but the A CAPPELLANS, too, will be happier at their new home. No longer will a majority of their concert audience be there by coercion—as hard as that is to imagine! To anyone concerned about the plan’s feasibility: it is less than an hour’s walk from Central Campus to Ithaca College. Given this geographical blessing, the A CAPPELLANS can make their way on foot, requiring no investment from the university. And for those of you—if you do exist—who do not take issue with the plan’s execution but rather with its objective, I say: leave with them! If you harbor sympathies for these monsters, follow them to Ithaca College, that dark den of sin. We shall see how long your sympathy lasts.

My good Cornellians, this plan requires no money, no university resources. All it requires is bravery. President Pollack, be brave! See the people’s will carried out! Expel the infernal A CAPPELLANS once and for all!

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the unlucky few who have to live next to the shamelessly loud singers.

Leslie McDonald ‘24, a soloist for tonight’s concert, gave a heartfelt speech before the performance about her fellow sophomore and unfortunate neighbor Meredith Scott ‘24. “It’s just so sad,” she told the audience, wiping away a dramatic tear. “Mer-Bear is so lovely, and I am so loud! Every time she bangs on my door and yells at me to keep it down when I’m in the middle of warmups, I just feel so sorry for her. When you listen to us tonight, please put yourself in her shoes, and imagine how we must sound when we’re muffled behind shitty dorm walls at three in the morning. Wouldn’t you want some help, too?”

After the concert, which involved a rousing performance of the alma mater followed by half of the Hamilton soundtrack, the members of Before Nine solicited donations in an unprecedented display of solidarity with their poor, suffering neighbors. Secretary Zach Cutter ‘22 could be seen panhandling in the parking lot for more donations with the help of his roommate Trevor Ingalls ‘22. “Look at this face!” he said, squishing Trevor’s cheeks with one hand while shaking a tip jar towards the fleeing audience members. “For just pennies a day, you can help us bribe the room scheduling people into giving us a place to rehearse in, and free Trevor from his eternal torment.”

Neither Meredith nor Trevor could not be reached for comment, on account of the massive noise-cancelling headphones they have taken to wearing 24/7.