OP-ED: Am I the Right Person to Educate a Racially Ambiguous Student on Issues of Ethnic Identity?

I was sitting at Terrace yesterday when I overheard a boy with an equivocal ethnic background echoing a number of problematic opinions involving race and class. Unfortunately, in a truly frustrating dilemma, I couldn’t give an unsolicited schooling on intersectionality and ethnicity because his complete lack of distinguishing factors meant I didn’t know if it was my place to do so.  

Was I the wrong person to tell him that identifying with the culture associated with one’s surname is entirely one’s own choice, not a designation they are forced to live with? It’s unclear, because his mochaccino-esque skin tone made me wary to enlighten him out of fear I may (unexpectedly!) be the ignorant one. 

Sure, his thoughts on diversity and inclusion in corporate hiring practices was ill-informed at best, but maybe his beliefs on “pulling oneself up by the bootstraps” was simply a reflection of his own upbringing as a first, second, or maybe even third generation American. It’s frankly impossible to tell if or where his parents may have immigrated from.

For now, I will sit quietly and let him speak freely, because I won’t be mistaken as unwoke simply to make a point. Just as long as he doesn’t bring up that goddamn lawsuit about Asian bias at Harvard. 

Class of 2021 Joins Terrace Salad Line

STATLER HALL—After receiving their acceptance letters to one of the most prestigious lunch venues on campus, the proud new members of the Cornell University Class of 2021 have officially committed to joining the salad line at the Terrace restaurant.

“I was so nervous I wouldn’t get in, but it’s such a relief and a great feeling to know that I’ll be spending the next four years waiting to order my lunch,” said Rebecca Watkins ‘21, who on being admitted promptly withdrew her applications to the lines at Wisemiller’s Deli at Georgetown University and Columbia’s John Jay dining hall.

“Both of my parents were in line at Terrace, and they actually met there! It’s so great that I’ll be following in their footsteps.”

Sources report an expected ten percent of admitted students will be forced to turn down their offer due to a financial aid package inadequate to purchase a Terrace salad.

Line for Dumpster Behind Terrace Too Long for Local Raccoons

Photo by David Navadeh

STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with.

“It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who waited for almost twenty minutes behind a queue of squirrels and chipmunks for the day’s half-eaten burritos and salads.

Many feel overwhelmed by how popular the trash has become recently, offering a wide selection from leftover candy bars to whole, uneaten sandwiches students never had time for.

“I’ve got things to do, I can’t wait around all day for scraps,” said another concerned critter, “let some other scavenger have it. I’m not going to waste time and money on food I ain’t gonna finish.”

Raccoons and other creatures will likely face worse circumstances soon when broke college students join the line competing for garbage.