Wines Final Scheduled Directly Before Tightrope-Walking Final

STATLER– In a scheduling mishap likely to elicit several complaints with seniors, this semester’s Wines final exam has been scheduled to finish just minutes before the school’s Tightrope Walking final deliverable.

“I’m so fucked,” exclaimed one Wines student. “My palette is a little weak, so I have to drink a bit more than everyone else before I can really nail down the flavors. I’m going to be sloshed as hell after that exam, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to pass Tightrope Walking if it’s ten minutes later. I mean, we haven’t been briefed on what the final actually is, but I heard a student from last year mention it included juggling, and I simply cannot do that zooted.”

The finals schedule has inspired outrage among local students, claiming that while they took these classes to get easy A’s, the schedule is the one possible instance where those grades would be in jeopardy. HADM 4300, Introduction to Wines, and CRCS 2200, Essential Tightrope Walking Mechanics and Principles, have long been staples of the senior class schedule. Dr. Jefferson Bufoon, instructor of CRCS 2200, begs to differ.

“I have spent all semester preparing my students for exactly this type of wacky comeuppance,” stated Dr. Bufoon. “Rings of fire, balancing beach balls on their heads, and having a large crowd pelt them tomatoes. If they can’t toe the Ringling line while just a little tipsy, frankly they don’t deserve to pass my course.”

At press time, administration agreed to compromise and leave a twenty-minute power-nap break in the middle for students, along with making Gatorade and coffee available at the second exam for any hangovers.

Rich Friend Already on Fall Break

BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season.

“My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get away, you know? There was so much to do and I could barely keep up with the drinking, the smelling, the tasting–sometimes all three at once! It’s exhausting. I mean, can I just say it? The grind. It’s endless, so Mother and Father decided to take the family up to Spain for some tapas before our main Fall Break vacation in the Poconos.”

The Worcestershire clan made sure to thoroughly plan for Jamenald’s early departure. Not only have they paid multiple classmates in each of his classes to take notes, but have offered a seat on their December vacation to the student deemed most helpful by their son. They have also reportedly offered some “small incentives” of up to $80,000 for professors who “incorporate burnout in [their] schedules.”

“Many students have reached out to me stating their issues with burnout, and I take that seriously,” claimed Professor Benedict Arnold ‘87, a crisp hundred-dollar-bill peeking out of the collar of his shirt. “Because of Jamenald’s–sorry, I mean these student’s–concerns, I am canceling class this Monday and Wednesday, while Friday discussion sections will be held over email.”

When requested to comment, Jamenald’s parents offered to buy any publication interested in the story.