Maternal Comfort of Warm Sink Only Respite from the Biting, Chilling Winds

This week, the harsh and unforgiving winter has settled upon Cornell’s campus. Every morning, students venture out and endure these frigid winds with only the distant, waning memory of warmer days (last week) to comfort them. There is only one sanctuary for these brave souls: the primal familiarity of the warmth of a running sink.

“It is like a tender hug from my mother,” shared Riley Williams ‘27, washing her hands. “No, no, it is like crawling back up inside of my mother’s soft, balmy womb, hands-first.” 

Those familiar with the allure of the warm sink will also be well-acquainted with the excruciating moment when the recommended 20 seconds of handwashing have passed and one is forced to relinquish the pure euphoria of the sink to the next in line. This moment came all too soon for Williams.

“Please… please don’t make me go back out there,” Williams said, pleading with Casey Connors ‘25, the incumbent hand-washer.

“Girl, what the fuck? I have to wash my fucking hands. I’m going to be late for Econ,” replied Connors.

Williams was eventually torn away from the sink kicking, screaming and crying, a scene reminiscent of the first time she was torn away from the comfort of her mother’s womb.

In A Bold Move Against Guys Who Wear Shorts in 0 Degree Weather, Cornell Health and Safety Introduces Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin

CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin.

“We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar Division). The task force consists of Riggs and ten “goblin handlers” whose job it is to “keep fatalities to a minimum.” Godfrey himself sports a five-foot-long prehensile tongue and two rows of razor-sharp teeth.

“There are a few kinks that need to be worked out,” Riggs admitted. “Godfrey is a dedicated and caring creature, but once he gets a taste for blood, there is no stopping him.” Riggs went on to describe the process of training the goblin, which involved spreading peanut butter on mannequins’ legs and “only rewarding [Godfrey] when the knees were licked squeaky clean.”

“Anyone wearing pants has no cause for concern,” Riggs said in his closing statements. “We project a 75% decrease in frostbite-related knee injuries this winter. Come summer, Godfrey will be put into cryosleep, where his hunger for knees will grow until he is released again next fall.”

Several students expressed support for the new initiative. “It’s clear they have students’ best interests in mind,” said George Basset ‘23, licking his lips. “Campus will be a better place because of it.”

Basset was later seen on Ho Plaza ripping holes down the front of his pants and asking passersby if they had any spare peanut butter.

Outdoor Campus Sign Just Reads “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch”

LIBE SLOPEIn an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.”

The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students.

“You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza ‘23, “It’s like if you’re gonna actively root for my physical demise at least give it to me straight. Don’t tip-toe around the fact that there is black ice and that you are intentionally leaving it there for me to hurt myself.”

“I’ve been more careful recently, actually. I think them effectively telling their message to always be vigilant of the people who want to see you suffer. It’s a well-placed, lovely little threat,” said Margaret Paul ‘22, “Make me terrified to be alive, in a state of constant arousal. In fact, I think it has put a fire under my ass to do better. Be better. No matter what it takes. Because if I don’t, I might lose my balance and hit the ground hard. But that’s why I wear my boots. They have lots of traction.”

“Haven’t they always said that?” wondered Wendy Langmore ‘24, “Or I guess not that exactly, it used to say ‘Warning: Ice Cold Snow’ or something. As long as it gets the message that it’s slippery and that they’re not gonna do anything about it across I think it’s fine. It’s comforting to know that if I belly flop on the concrete, someone will be watching.”

The change follows the recent addition of an immersive speaker system embedded around the slope playing sound clips of reversed audio of little girls whispering and wolves howling ghostly cries between the hours of 1:00 AM – 3:00 AM.

Collegetown 7-Eleven Unveils New Road Slush ICEE Flavor

COLLEGETOWNGourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. 

“7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors, but we’re hoping to change that with the new road slush ICEE,” explained store proprietor Blake “Boots” Gerberding. “The other restaurateurs in town really take the piss out of 7-Eleven’s drink selection, but we don’t,” added Gerberding.

“Sitting on the curb outside 7-Eleven dunking a lukewarm taquito in road slush is kinda the quintessential Cornell experience, so I think it’s gonna be pretty dope to be able to take that on the go. I can’t wait to carry a road slush ICEE and a couple of Jalapeno Cream Cheese taquitos over to the slope and watch the sunset” said Connell Williams ‘25. 

As of publication time, 7-Eleven’s long suffering ICEE machine succumbed at last to the mores of seasonal depression and has ceased to function. For now, customers must once again slurp road slush directly out of the ditches.