LYNAH RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH RILEY’S…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
ROSE HALL—Family Weekend is traditionally characterized as an opportunity for parents to learn about their children’s lives at Cornell, for students to hide their stashes of illicit substances, and for dining hall workers to clean up unusually messy tables. However, for Katherine Booker ‘27 and her recently divorced father Mark Booker, this family weekend was…
COLLEGE OF VETERINARY MEDICINE—Students were able to get their seasonal flu shots free of charge this year at a variety of sites on campus. Unfortunately, it seems like some individuals who received their vaccine at the College of Veterinary Medicine are suffering from an unintended side effect: neighing like a horse on anabolic steroids. Carlton…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–An ordinary Monday morning lecture experienced an extremely welcome interruption when a once-considered eradicated disease reappeared right in Kennedy Hall. Harry Swanson ’27 (god willing) was spotted sporting a feverish glow as well as dozens of blood-and-puss-filled scabs blanketing every inch of his body. “COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH HACK HACK HACK HACK,” said Swanson,…
URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.” Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
As a native son of Western New York, I did not get much exposure to Jewish cuisine (or people) before I came to Cornell. But I’ve visited 104West! dining hall several times since I started living around the corner, and I have met many friends there. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to broaden my…
As the wife of a former president who favors a national abortion ban, many people assume I am pro-life. Yet, before the Donald was president, I was simply the 3rd wife to an aging billionaire with terrible cholesterol and the mother to a scary blond swamp monster. When my son was born, I was grateful…
