OP-ED: I’m Not Afraid of You, Punk.

By a squirrel.

You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me!

You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and just because you’re an apex predator and I’m basically apex prey doesn’t mean I’m gonna back down. If you wanna scrap, I’ll fucking scrap.

I see humans every day, man. You’re nothing to me. I’ve crossed the path in front of Rockefeller in between classes and made it out alive. I weave through those legs like it’s nothing, and I risk it all just so that I can nibble on my acorn in a little bit of sunlight.

I might have a family somewhere, but I don’t care; I very loosely (if at all) grasp the notions of human sociality that you’re projecting on me. You think I’m not gonna walk right up to you and fight you just because I have a “wife” and “kid” at “home?” I’m a squirrel, dude. I already fulfilled my biological imperative by reproducing. I got nothing to lose.

Don’t mess with me. I’ll destroy you. I’m a fuckin’ animal.

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