Nooz Staff May 12, 2018

Food Science Major Desperately Looking For New Thing To Milk

In an attempt to find the next big viscous drink craze for his thesis, Cornell Food Science major Todd Carmichael ‘18 has been desperately looking for a new thing to milk.

“I mean, people have been milking cows, goats, even various nuts. There’s not many things left for a guy like me to milk around here,” Todd said while frantically searching for nipples on a nearby apple.

Although praised for his innovative spirit, not everyone is happy with the overzealous teat-squeezer.

“Honestly I feel bad for Todd. The search has really been consuming. He even tried milking himself thinking he could pitch a new brand of ‘Todd-milk,’” said Todd’s girlfriend, who then proceeded to put an ice pack back on her breasts.

Todd was last spotted wandering around the vet school, reportedly haven given up on trying to milk new things and instead focusing his efforts on creating a brown cow that excretes chocolate milk.

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