NEW YORK CITY—A recent analysis of Cornell Club membership applications found that Cornell’s impoverished recent graduates haven’t been purchasing expensive memberships to the upscale Manhattan club, for some unknown reason.
“What could possibly be keeping them from Cornell Club’s countless fine dining and fitness programs?” asked Riley Schwartz, a manager at the club. He spoke regarding members of Cornell’s most recent graduating class, many of whom will be paying back their Sallie Mae loans for the next 35 years.
“Why would they not want access to Cornell Club’s many amenities? We have squash courts, and our pillow feathers are only from albino geese. Millennials have such strange tastes,” Schwartz said, addressing recent Cornell graduates currently living on urine-soaked couches.
Cornell officials in charge of donations are similarly confused as to the low youth membership. “We just can’t figure out why graduates would rather scrape the bottom of their instant ramen bowls than attend weekly events like “Wednesday Lobster Night” and “Thursday Prime Steak Night,” one anonymous source said. “Let alone missing out on the free keychains that come with donating to Cornell!”
The Cornell Club is doing what they can to increase demand; to alleviate the financial burden of membership, they will implement a loan-based payment plan. This might help students pay their dues, just like in college.