Nooz Staff September 2, 2019

ILR Freshman Fucking Pumped for Labor Day

IVES HALL—Newly matriculated ILR freshman Gabe Kowalsky ‘23 is psyched out of his goddamn mind for Labor Day.

“Are you kidding? I live for this shit! Viva la Revolución, fuckers!” yelled Kowalsky outside the empty ILR Dean Suite. “This is why I love ILR: everyone’s undying support for the proletariat,” Kowalsky added with an echo in the completely deserted hallway.

While other students see Labor Day as an opportunity to ease into the start of a new semester with a long weekend, Kowalsky remains focused on aggressively celebrating the victories of the American Labor movement. 

Kowalsky’s love of Labor Day has not gone unnoticed. “Two girls from our orientation group asked if we wanted to go gorge jumping with them, but Gabe said he already had plans to picket in front of RPCC in an attempt to pressure Cornell to increase the wages of Cornell Dining Workers,” said Michael Azinge ‘23, Kowalsky’s roommate.  

In addition to picketing, Kowalsky is also “redecorating” Ives to eliminate all traces of  “corporatist filth.” He recently rebranded the PepsiCo Lecture Hall PepsiBlows Lecture Hall.

“He keeps vandalizing the shit out of our restrooms,” commented one custodian. “I just found this note spray painted on a bathroom wall. It says ‘You own the means of production! Fight for your life, brothers! Hugs and kisses, Gabe.’ And who has to clean that crap? We do. On our day off!”

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