March 2022

Application Discrimination Against Students With Depression Finally Explains Cornell’s Notoriously Good Mental Health

Nooz Staff2 years ago03 mins

THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety. “Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve…

Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

Nooz Staff2 years ago02 mins

MEWS HALL–Much as the Lord’s only son went into the Garden of Gethsemane to ask the Heavenly Father that His life might be spared, so too did Brantley Wentworth ‘25 call upon his own father to spare him an even darker fate—a summer in his company’s Ohio branch. Although Wentworth had long accepted his role…

Feminist Win? Girl In Front of You Goes Up Stairs Two-at-a-Time

Nooz Staff2 years ago03 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL STAIRCASE—In a landmark win for woman across the nation and Cornell University’s campus, Sophie Yaxley ‘24 witnessed the unthinkable as a girl “man-walked” up the stairs two-at-a-time in a “watershed moment” for gender equality. “I didn’t even know we had the ability to do that,” said Yaxley ‘24, “I was absolutely stunned….

Idiots Rejoice! Struggling for 20 Minutes to Set Up CU Print Can Now Fulfill Physical Science Requirement

Nooz Staff2 years ago03 mins

COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement. “Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this…

Three More Weeks of Prelim Season After Ryan Lombardi Sees Shadow

Nooz Staff2 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL—Much to students’ chagrin, sources confirmed that Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi had seen his own shadow, an event purported to foreshadow an additional three weeks of prelim season in Cornell folklore. “It’s disheartening, to say the least,” said Melanie Bush ‘24. “Some people say that looking to a university…

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender

Nooz Staff2 years ago02 mins

ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender. “I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus….

“Beep Boop Beep,” Sentient Robot Only Speaks Robot

No One’s Buying It, Dumbass! Idiot Supersenior Claims He’ll Still Be On Campus Next Year Because He’s Getting A “Masters Degree”

Guy Who Spent All Semester Watching 2x Speed Lecture Recordings Just Talks Like That Now

Flo Rida Gets Spun Right Round Baby Right Round Trying to Find Way Out of ILR Building

“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell Football Player Drafted to NFL Proves that Coaches Should Be Tested for Brain Damage Too

Application Discrimination Against Students With Depression Finally Explains Cornell’s Notoriously Good Mental Health

Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane? Student Pleads with All-Powerful Father Not to Send Him to Company’s Branch in Ohio

Feminist Win? Girl In Front of You Goes Up Stairs Two-at-a-Time

Idiots Rejoice! Struggling for 20 Minutes to Set Up CU Print Can Now Fulfill Physical Science Requirement

Three More Weeks of Prelim Season After Ryan Lombardi Sees Shadow

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender