BARTELS HALL—The success of the redemption prom last Saturday has inspired Class Councils to host yet another beloved high school experience lost to the pandemic: the FitnessGram Pacer Test. “The Pacer,” a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues, will take place in Newman Arena at 6 AM the morning following Slope Day, as to extend student excitement from watching absolute campus favorite Aminé.
“I’ve been waiting for the day I could go for a personal record of 69,” remarked CoE student Zeke Gregg ‘24. “I tried every year but always finished too early. But now I know I’m like, totally physically ready.” When asked to confirm that his remarks were indeed about running the Pacer, Gregg appeared slightly alarmed. “Of course,” he replied, “what else would I be talking about?”
Members of sports teams also expressed enthusiasm about the upcoming event, eager to showcase their athletic prowess to potential romantic partners.
“Bro I can’t wait to run the Pacer again,” commented the cross country team’s Gabe Hertz ‘24. “Once the endurance-deficient are forced to sit and watch me bound across a room to an endless loop of electronic dance music for an hour and a half, I’ll re-establish my dominance as the best runner in the grade, and then I’ll be able to pull anyone I want.” Hertz then paused and breathed a long, nostalgic sigh. “Just like middle school.”
Unfortunately for those with lofty distance goals, surveys show that most students expect to arrive at the event absolutely obliterated, and will drunkenly plow everyone down before anyone is able to successfully reach lap 3.