WHITE HALL—As dusk turned to dawn on the first of October, students around campus who interact daily with Amber Knight ‘23 exasperatedly remarked on how utterly fucking obnoxious she would be today on, in Knight’s words, “the first day of Spooky Month”.
“For our 9 AM government discussion section, she burst into class wearing a dumb Spooky Skeleton costume as if she was still in fucking middle school,” lamented Professor Jackson Godard. “Really not a good day to do that, as we’re currently talking about famine relief for developing countries. Extremely distasteful. Why couldn’t she have come as a spooky UN peacekeeper or something?”
Many students clearly observed that Knight’s desire to commemorate “31 Days of Halloween” stemmed from a need to extract as much joy as possible from her childhood fascination with the occult now that she had become an “adult” in college and faced actual responsibilities. Others transparently viewed the lengthening of Halloween as a shallow capitalist scheme to further commercialize the holiday.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love Halloween. I look forward to it every year,” remarked Connor Paetrano ‘22. “But Amber is totally ruining it by making Halloween EVERY SINGLE DAY of October. Halloween is not a month-long corporate holiday like Christmas; it’s one day of the year for me to get blackout drunk and ignore my deepest psychological fears.”
Asked to remark on fellow students’ frustration, Knight simply said “Every day in my business classes, I see people wearing the most terrifying horror costumes imaginable: future stockbrokers, bankers, consultants, and other types of murderers. At this point, I just sort of assume every day here is Halloween.”
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