Students Low On Cash Can Now Give TCAT Bus Drivers a Kiss On The Lips As Payment

ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment.

Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus with no destination in mind just to get a kiss from the fellow. Freshman Marcus Schulze described what he likes so much about kissing Rick: “Is it the scratch of his thick, ginger beard on the corners of my lips as we connect? The salty taste of the tuna he had for lunch in his saliva? Or is it the gentle grasp of his calloused hands on my supple cheeks? It’s everything.”

The new TCAT policy has proven to be wildly popular, so much so that Tompkins County has begun rolling out their newest rewards program, where riders can get a free bus ride after ten smooches, and a free full year bus pass after having sex with their bus driver of choice.

While some of the more unattractive bus drivers have welcomed the rewards program with open arms, other drivers such as Eunice, who drives on route 30, have already denied this privilege to a majority of students who she calls “uglies.” 

“Eunice was playing hard to get for a while, but I knew that with my stunning looks, athletic build, and empty wallet that there was no way she could deny a ride and a snog from someone like me. The rumors of her kisses reminding you of the ‘comfort and warmth of the womb’ were definitely true,” said Dale Springer ‘22.

As a result of this new policy, students around campus have reported their fellow classmates having fresher breath and looking overall way sexier for their favorite TCAT bus driver.

UPDATE: Student Didn’t Spend Entirety of Fall Break on Shortline Bus, Because Shortline Sent Us Cease and Desist

Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of Fall Break on the Shortline Bus.

 

INTERSTATE 81—In what was supposed to be a quick long-weekend visit to friends and family back home, Kayla Gladstone ‘22 spentDID NOT SPEND the entire duration of Fall Break on a Shortline service from Ithaca to Washington DC.

“As an experienced Shortline rider, I thought this would just be a quick 17-hour jouney home,” said Gladstone DIDN’T SAY. “At least the charging port worked sometimes if I didn’t breathe too hard, and a few times when I was lucky the WiFi would even load the login page.”

Besides the NONEXISTENT route’s scheduled stops in Allentown and Philadelphia and scheduled breakdowns in Scranton and Wilmington, after a minor misunderstanding the driver reportedly tookDID NOT TAKE a 1,340 mile detour to Toledo, Ohio, aN UNcommon mixup for many shortline routes. When asked for comment about the delays, aNO Shortline representative replied: ”Fuck you, we’re Shortline. That’s why.”

At press time, Gladstone has reportedly learned herNO lesson about using American coach services, and has resolved from now on to spend the entirety of her breaks on spacious, stagnant Amtrak trains.

 

Students Heading Home For Fall Break This February

BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend.

“My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re going to New Orleans since Mardi Gras is right around the corner,” said Deren Franklin ‘19, who added that Fall Break would be a great time to go to some events for Black History Month.

“It’s also great that Fall Break is directly between Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays, because it gives us an extra few days to celebrate the great presidents, which is much-needed after the inauguration in January.”

Students also remarked that, as this is the shortest month of the year, it is important we take time during our Fall Break to enjoy it.