Animal Science Junior Clayton Keane ’25 considers himself lucky. He gets to wake up every day and do his favorite thing: unsupervised barn time.
As the first to arrive & last to leave, Keane has taken advantage of every opportunity the program affords. He relishes the hands-on aspect of the curriculum, estimating that he has donated upwards of twenty chickens to science with his bare fists.
From a young age, Keane has been honing his sixth sense for the most vulnerable and nonverbal among us. His family reminisced on countless childhood trips to Petsmart. “I remember when he first got Peanut, his first hamster. And then Chewy, his second hamster. And Nibbles, his third…” recalled his mother fondly.
“He’s a lovely boy. He arranged for all sixteen of them to go to a little farm upstate. And now he’s finally joined them there,” she added.
Keane has spent the last few years getting to know the animals on the farm, cuddling, feeding, and handpicking the sacrificial lambs.
Keane’s zest for the discipline has not gone unnoticed by peers and professors. “I’m not entirely sure he understands that it’s the science of animals, not science on animals. Regardless, it shows that he’s willing to innovate with the curriculum” stated Sheep Management Professor Walter Atkins, observing that Keane “thinks outside the box” of the veterinary ethics code.
Three years into his studies, Keane is thinking bigger: He’s excited to graduate to equine studies. “I’m not trying to beat a dead horse here, but I would like to get my hands on one.”
ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim.
One might think: “Running into your friend? How could that ruin your day?” which isn’t an unfair question. Our initial greeting was warm, but things quickly took a turn for the worse when a brief discussion of banalities such as the weather, the pandemic, and the best flavor of Cacti led to the topic of coursework. “Been grinding for your classes lately?” I asked Jim. “You know how it is,” he responded to my utter horror, “just the usual Info Sci workload.” My palms instantly grew clammy. I don’t know “how” it is. In fact, I don’t even know what “Information Science” is.
I’m not the most potent strain in the dispensary and won’t pretend to have an intimate understanding of all academic disciplines, but I do usually have a vague idea of what subjects are about. Plant Science? The science of plants. Astronomy? Means I’ve probably lied to you about what time I was born. Comp Sci? Easy–computers and talking over women. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out what Info Sci actually is. Is it the science of information? Isn’t all science based on information? Is it a special type of information? Even worse than the ambiguity surrounding what Info Sci means, is that apparently now there are MULTIPLE kinds of Info Sci? How is there an Info Sci program in CALS and another one in Arts and Sciences? Is the information somehow different?
As soon as the words left Jim’s mouth, I realized I had a choice: I could either swallow my pride, making myself vulnerable with a trusted person, and ask him what exactly his studies entail. Or, I could deflect and try to move on, remaining ignorant for yet another day. Naturally, I took a deep breath, looked Jim right in his eyes, and lied. “Ah of course! That’s prelim season for you!”
I may not know what Info Sci is or what people who study it do, but there is one thing I know. I’m in way too deep to start asking now.
ROBERTS HALL—The College of Agriculture and Life Sciences announced Friday that is will soon offer a new major for those who want to farm, but also want to put their animals through tremendous pain.
“Chicken nuggets taste better after the chickens were smashed in the face with a crowbar,” explained proponent Amelia Reddick ‘20. “Watching animals have a miserable time is an essential component of agriculture, and I’m glad that CALS has finally acknowledged that.”
The new field of study will offer courses such as BEAT 1107, “Fitting A Lot Of Stuff Into A Cow’s Rectum,” and BEAT 2208, “Hurting Baby Sheep on Physical and Spiritual Levels.”
CALS Dean Kathryn Boor has expressed enthusiasm for the new major. “The study of Beating the Living Piss Out Of Livestock is a wonderful opportunity for students to get hands-on experience torturing animals. One project will allow students to see just how much doody pigs could live in before they get Hepatitis A.”
By 2025, the college plans to add an additional farming-related major: Chewing A Piece of Straw Like A Badass.
STOCKING HALL—First-year Cornell dairy cow Clover was absent at today’s Dairy Day festivities after passing out during the pregame.
“It’s not uncommon for some cattle get blackout before Dairy Day actually starts, but I could usually corral them down from the Dairy Unit as long as they were still upright,” said dairy science major Chuck Keenum ‘18. “But Clover—she passed out long before the morning feed.”
The 19 other cows enjoyed their Dairy Day at Stocking Hall with only minor incidences of stumbling due to heat-exhaustion and dehydration.
“Our cattle are generally responsible, but we expected no better from Clover. She couldn’t even stand up straight during the insemination last weekend.”
Sources later reported seeing Clover wandering around pens as the event was wrapping up, apparently trying to find her friend Betty Sue.