Cornell Hunger Relief Stall Oddly Reluctant to Share Candy on Desk at Club Fest

BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. 

He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club fair freeloading procedure, next thing I know my hand was loudly slapped away. The place was shaken.” Reports reveal that at that moment, every Asian dance group came to a halt, the fire juggling and straw club catastrophe resolved itself, and the sword club decided on non violence. 

“Of course this wasn’t my first plan of action,” said Jackson, defending her controversial behavior. “I tried staring him down and creating an awkward guilty silence but it just wasn’t doing it. This little cretin wouldn’t even scan the QR code that doesn’t even work half the time; so frustrating, we’d be better off doing just paper sign ups at this point…wait what were we talking about?” 

“Right, listen, if we give out candy to every loser who can walk, this system would never work,” added other club officers. “We look for the perfect mix of guilt, longing, desire, and shyness in a candy candidate. Our favorites are the ones that we can give a five minute monologue at, have them begrudgingly scan the QR code, and end by not giving them the candy after,” they cackled in an evil manner. 

“So do you really think it’s fair to deny us joy like that at a time like this?” countered Jackson. Though it was unclear what time she was talking about, her statement gives true insight into the difficulties of being a club officer in these trying times.

Disaster! Fire Juggling Club and Big Piles of Straw Club Placed Next to Each Other at Clubfest

BARTON HALL–Clubfest was evacuated Sunday after the Fire Juggling Club’s live demonstration sent a wayward torch into a hands-on display for the Big Piles of Straw Club, who occupied the neighboring booth. 

CUPD had their hands full containing several unrelated blazes in North Campus residence halls and were therefore unable to respond to the scene. Luckily, the flames were neutralized thanks to the quick thinking of a member of the Fire Extinguisher Club.

 “Not to brag, but I kind of saved the day,” said Imani Macgyver ‘25. “I immediately pulled all the interest pamphlets off of our table, unfolded them, stapled them together to form a large sheet, and began waving it to redirect the smoke towards the roof, which set off the sprinklers.”

Miraculously, no one was hurt, although several clubs’ materials were damaged in the blaze and subsequent downpour. The Risk Management Consulting Club–whose internal documents and registration paperwork were displayed at the front of their booth and destroyed completely–announced their intent to leverage their “elite connections in the business world” to pursue financial reparations.

Connie Edwards, an event coordinator, offered her apologies. “We acknowledge that this incident could possibly have been avoided given more careful planning. Fortunately, we’ve amended the booth arrangements and will host a makeup Clubfest period next weekend for those clubs whose afternoon time slots were canceled yesterday! Make sure to come check out the Antique Vase Collectors’ Club and the Blindfolded Roller-Skating Club for a taste of Cornell’s diverse extracurriculars!”

OP- ED: Freed om of Expre ssion Th eme Year St yle Gui de Is Ac tuall y Pre tty C onstr ainin g

As a

write

r and

loyal

Corne

ll st

udent

, I a

pplau

d the

admin

istra

tion’

s com

mitme

nt to

free

expre

ssion

. The

presi

dent’

s fig

ht fo

r fre

e spe

ech i

s imp

ortan

t and

brave

. “Fr

eedom

of Ex

press

ion”

truly

deser

ves i

ts pl

ace i

n his

tory 

as Co

rnell

Unive

rsity

’s fi

rst-e

ver T

heme

Year.

Howev

er, in 

the s

pirit 

of op

en di

alogu

e and 

rigor

ous d

iscou

rse, 

I do 

have 

one c

ritic

al co

ntrib

ution

to Co

rnell

’s re

centl

y ren

ovate

d mar

ketpl

ace o

f ide

as. P

resid

ent P

ollac

k, yo

ur ad

minis

trati

on’s

new S

tyle

Guide

for t

he th

eme y

ear i

s act

ually

prett

y con

strai

ning.

Havin

g to 

hit “

enter

” aft

er ev

ery f

ive c

harac

ters 

(incl

uding

space

s and

punct

uatio

n) is

, per

haps,

an un

due c

onstr

aint

on fr

eedom

of ex

press

ion.

I am

sure 

that

the a

dmini

strat

ion m

eant

well

by th

is ne

w pol

icy.

Never

thele

ss, t

he pr

ohibi

tion

on li

nes l

onger

than

five

chara

cters

is an

undue

burde

n on

all t

he wr

iters

and r

eader

s at

Corne

ll. Pr

eside

nt Po

llack

, ple

ase r

econs

ider

this 

new t

ypogr

aphic

al po

licy.

The “

indis

pensa

ble c

ondit

ion”

of ou

r dem

ocrac

y and

acade

mic f

reedo

m can

not b

e lim

ited

by su

ch ar

bitra

ry ru

les.

“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations.

“Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve never even heard of half of these organizations. Why did I sign up for the Latin debate club? The fencing club? Am I currently in both the Cornell Democrats and Cornell Republicans? Fuck, there must be a hundred emails from consulting clubs alone—they must’ve thought I fit their vibe. So many invites on my Google Calendar for info sessions… I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Woodhouse reportedly took five shots before stumbling to Barton Hall for the first session of ClubFest, where he stoically listened glassy-eyed to the impassioned speeches of club representatives before dutifully consigning himself to receive email and text updates on anything and everything. The real damage, however, came when Woodhouse took three more shots prior to the second session. According to eyewitnesses, the inebriated freshman snatched every quartercard in arm’s reach and scanned QR codes with reckless abandon before hopping onstage to contribute jokes to a stand-up club’s performance—a star turn of which Woodhouse had no recollection.

“Did… did I actually do that?” stammered Woodhouse. “Yikes, I hope I didn’t say anything too offensive—the last time I grabbed an open mic while belligerently drunk, I apparently made some pretty disparaging comments about Slovenian people and the sport of croquet. Wait, let me check—yep, I’ve got messages from both the Slovenian Students’ Union and the croquet club. Fuck.”

At press time, Woodhouse had been made president of the stand-up club whose performance he invaded after receiving a positive reception for his monologue on Slovenian croquet players.

Club Member’s Earnest Pitch No Match for Sound of Yamatai Drums

This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information

BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match for the fierce booming of the Yamatai Drumming Team.

“I don’t think the freshman could hear a word I said, but she seemed at least sort of interested in the quarter card,” said Zhao. “I hope my pantomiming of our club’s mission statement got the message across.”

As Zhao continued with his spiel, Yamatai, who routinely sell out Bailey Hall at their annual PULSE show, continued to prove both their skills on the drums and at making any pitch quieter than a blood-curdling scream virtually impossible.

“I was just watching Yamatai’s performance when I noticed that someone was midway through pitching their club to me,” said Pooja Verma ‘23. “I’m still not even sure what the club was, all I could focus on was the thunderous rhythm from the stage.”

After Yamatai’s performance, Clubfest activities returned to a normal volume for three minutes until Cornell Bhangra’s performance.

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world.

Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what they’re doing, yet somehow have the balls to talk the most if they manage to get into one of my classes. I can’t wait for them to get their first D. How can they jump up and down at the discovery of free Willard Straight popcorn, but be so bafflingly oblivious when they’re handing out resumes at career fair? Get out of line, jackass, you don’t belong yet!

That is, unless you want to join my club.

Our president’s been hounding me to get the word out, so, to all freshmen: the Cornell Quantitative Biomedical Finance Society is holding our first info session this Thursday at 8PM! In case you’re literally dumb and live under a rock, CQBFS is the ABSOLUTE BEST and MOST EXCLUSIVE health finance club on campus. We are the ONLY club that can prepare you for a career in the quantitative biomedical finance industry.

I had an INTERNSHIP (you freshmen are probably unfamiliar with the concept) for a few weeks over winter break with ARLENE SIMMONS, the top Geico agent in all of the Scranton metro area. Can you children even comprehend this?

Now that I have all the knowledge I need, I’m planning to start working as like a VP or Director for an investment bank that specializes in the healthcare industry after I GRADUATE in May. Then, maybe after a year or two, I’ll start my own venture capital fund. That’s the power of CQBFS!

Anyways, we are a super fun and welcoming group as you’ll figure once you meet us! Literally can’t wait to meet you on Thursday! You all are going to be so awesome!