“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations.

“Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve never even heard of half of these organizations. Why did I sign up for the Latin debate club? The fencing club? Am I currently in both the Cornell Democrats and Cornell Republicans? Fuck, there must be a hundred emails from consulting clubs alone—they must’ve thought I fit their vibe. So many invites on my Google Calendar for info sessions… I think I’m gonna be sick.”

Woodhouse reportedly took five shots before stumbling to Barton Hall for the first session of ClubFest, where he stoically listened glassy-eyed to the impassioned speeches of club representatives before dutifully consigning himself to receive email and text updates on anything and everything. The real damage, however, came when Woodhouse took three more shots prior to the second session. According to eyewitnesses, the inebriated freshman snatched every quartercard in arm’s reach and scanned QR codes with reckless abandon before hopping onstage to contribute jokes to a stand-up club’s performance—a star turn of which Woodhouse had no recollection.

“Did… did I actually do that?” stammered Woodhouse. “Yikes, I hope I didn’t say anything too offensive—the last time I grabbed an open mic while belligerently drunk, I apparently made some pretty disparaging comments about Slovenian people and the sport of croquet. Wait, let me check—yep, I’ve got messages from both the Slovenian Students’ Union and the croquet club. Fuck.”

At press time, Woodhouse had been made president of the stand-up club whose performance he invaded after receiving a positive reception for his monologue on Slovenian croquet players.

Club Member’s Earnest Pitch No Match for Sound of Yamatai Drums

This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information

BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match for the fierce booming of the Yamatai Drumming Team.

“I don’t think the freshman could hear a word I said, but she seemed at least sort of interested in the quarter card,” said Zhao. “I hope my pantomiming of our club’s mission statement got the message across.”

As Zhao continued with his spiel, Yamatai, who routinely sell out Bailey Hall at their annual PULSE show, continued to prove both their skills on the drums and at making any pitch quieter than a blood-curdling scream virtually impossible.

“I was just watching Yamatai’s performance when I noticed that someone was midway through pitching their club to me,” said Pooja Verma ‘23. “I’m still not even sure what the club was, all I could focus on was the thunderous rhythm from the stage.”

After Yamatai’s performance, Clubfest activities returned to a normal volume for three minutes until Cornell Bhangra’s performance.

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world.

Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what they’re doing, yet somehow have the balls to talk the most if they manage to get into one of my classes. I can’t wait for them to get their first D. How can they jump up and down at the discovery of free Willard Straight popcorn, but be so bafflingly oblivious when they’re handing out resumes at career fair? Get out of line, jackass, you don’t belong yet!

That is, unless you want to join my club.

Our president’s been hounding me to get the word out, so, to all freshmen: the Cornell Quantitative Biomedical Finance Society is holding our first info session this Thursday at 8PM! In case you’re literally dumb and live under a rock, CQBFS is the ABSOLUTE BEST and MOST EXCLUSIVE health finance club on campus. We are the ONLY club that can prepare you for a career in the quantitative biomedical finance industry.

I had an INTERNSHIP (you freshmen are probably unfamiliar with the concept) for a few weeks over winter break with ARLENE SIMMONS, the top Geico agent in all of the Scranton metro area. Can you children even comprehend this?

Now that I have all the knowledge I need, I’m planning to start working as like a VP or Director for an investment bank that specializes in the healthcare industry after I GRADUATE in May. Then, maybe after a year or two, I’ll start my own venture capital fund. That’s the power of CQBFS!

Anyways, we are a super fun and welcoming group as you’ll figure once you meet us! Literally can’t wait to meet you on Thursday! You all are going to be so awesome!