WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Students stopping to use Willard Straight’s bathroom facilities Saturday confirmed that their routines were interrupted by speculation over the building’s antique condom dispensers, which could only be the last remnants of the building’s former 24/7 orgy.
“Imagine… a time when noses weren’t the only orifice being pounded. A time when ‘business casual’ included assless chaps. A time when Okenshield’s wasn’t the one place you could contract a humiliating disease,” said a misty-eyed Dallas Murphy ‘25, who kneeled in awe in front of the aged prophylactics. “Truly, COVID has taken so much from us.”
Murphy paused to reexamine the once-gateway to Willard Straight bliss before further revealing his vision of the fallen sexual utopia.
“How often were these students getting ploughed that they needed not one, not two, but four daring flavors of scented condoms?” he wondered, stopping only to wipe the drool from his wet mouth. “What wretched sins, what glorious perversities, could possibly tire these Olympian fuckwarriors of banana condoms? And where was Happy Dave in all this?”
Speculation was cut short as Cornell alumni all denied Murphy’s’ LinkedIn requests, leading him to conclude that Willard Straight must’ve been a place for “bighuge megavirgins” instead.
DONLON HALL—Per sources close to the situation, the bulk-sized box of condoms purchased in August by freshman Isaac Moore at a Costco remained completely unused at the onset of winter break three months later.
“When I first moved in, he showed me the box of rubbers almost immediately and asked me if I thought he’d bought enough ‘raincoats,’” said Matt Steinbeck, Moore’s roommate. “I was kinda skeptical at the time, but in hindsight, jeez. Did he even leave the room to do anything other than eat in the last three months?”
Moore indicated that while the semester had not gone as anticipated, he was still optimistic about putting his “investment” to good use in the near future.
“It was rough going at times, I’m not gonna lie,” said Moore. “But I think we definitely made some progress over the last few months. A loser doesn’t get 22 matches on Tinder. It just becomes a matter of converting those matches to Snapchats, and then meeting in person, which is where we faltered the most this semester. Hopefully we can make some moves during the break and see some strides.”
At press time, Moore was reportedly “getting real close” with a Tinder match who last responded “k” three hours earlier.
COLLEGETOWN—Geoff Rankle ‘19 took a brave stand for climate justice by reusing a latex Trojan condom for two full months.
Rankle began this eco-friendly practice after watching Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” three times and “finally getting it.” “People talk about saving the planet by driving electric cars or recycling, or whatever. But those things are expensive, or hard,” said Rankle. “What about just using the same condom over and over again? It’s easy, and it makes you a good person!”
Maggie Berns ‘19, Rankle’s ex-girlfriend, defended his condom-reusing practice. “At first I thought it was pretty gross. But when I found out that it was for a good cause, like saving the planet, I was totally on board. Environmentalism is sexy!”
When asked for comment on Rankle’s condom, Executive Director of Cornell Health Kent Bullis stated: “We truly appreciate Geoff’s commitment to the environment and his anti-waste activism, but… maybe just plant a tree instead.”
Rankle plans to continue using his current condom for three more months. His next environmental project will be wiping less frequently to save toilet paper, and consequently, the world.