Pollack Sends Draft of Campus-Wide Email to Admin Groupchat to Check “If It Looks Okay”

DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”

“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.

“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”  

“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”

When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”


Martha Pollack Fires Off Quick Email on Swastika Before Heading Back to IBM

Michael Wenye Li / Cornell Daily Sun

DAY HALL—After receiving word yesterday that another swastika had turned up less than an hour before her flight to IBM headquarters, Cornell President Martha Pollack quickly jotted down a four sentences campus-wide email on her way to the airport.

“A few months ago, I might’ve written a long email expressing solidarity with all students and faculty members like last time, but I’ve been so swamped with this new job,” said Pollack. “If I get some time to focus on Cornell, I might draft a paragraph or two to get ready for the next time this happens.”

Pollack intends to start digging into her backlog of hate incidents to write emails about “right after we release first quarter earnings.”

“I hope Jewish students know dealing with such crimes is my first priori—one second, just got something urgent,” Pollack said as she opened an email on the IBM marketing department’s last social event.

If her IBM workload keeps up, Pollack is reportedly considering telling Ryan Lombardi to just forward one of her many previous emails reacting to hate crimes and bigotry on campus whenever this happens again.

Cornell Alumnus ‘79 Still On Ukulele Club Listserv

WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv.

“I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even is a ukulele, some kind of bird?”

Email was an exciting phenomenon in 1975, and has since often stumped students using it for their clubs. Ukulele Club members, for instance, have been unable to figure out how to remove alumnae such as Cromwell from their listserv for over four decades.

“We send out maybe 1, 2 emails out a day to over 7000 members with meeting times and songs to listen to,” said current club president Winnie Kuroda ‘19, not realizing that of the 7000, 86% have graduated, over half have never touched a ukulele, and maybe 50 have died from old age.

Sources confirmed that Cromwell ‘79 plans to finally check out what the club has to offer, as he has become quite the bird enthusiast lately.

TA Receives Email From Freshman Signed ‘Love’

COLLEGETOWN — CS 2110 Teaching Assistant Benjamin Rosier ’17 went wild with excitement Monday when he received an email from one Samantha M. Dalton ’20 that was signed at the bottom “Love, Sam.”

According to reports from Rosier, the body text of the email was otherwise quite cryptic, with no overt romantic intent. “She was asking me mostly about object oriented programming, but I noted that she had a so-called “question” about the wording on the “slide deck,” said Rosier.

Rosier reportedly spent hours rearranging the lettering of the email, looking for other Valentine’s Day messages he may have been missing. Rosier was eager to share his findings: “As it turns out, ‘object oriented programming’ is actually an anagram for ‘going pre-med, a mint tractor, oboe,’ which I think is significant for obvious reasons.”

When asked if Rosier had any previous connection to Dalton, the TA admitted he had never spoken to her in person. “I’m actually not positive which one Samantha is– there are a lot of girls in my section. But if she’s the one I think she is, there has been very clear evidence of Morse code when she taps her pencil on the desk!” said Rosier. “I literally ciphered out the word ‘Foxtrot.’ The signs are all there!”

When asked for comment on Rosier’s developing theories, Dalton responded, “Who?”

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder.

“Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell email was. Turns out everything that might upset the trustees has been going into spam, which works for me until I have to sort it out,” said administrative assistant Fred Reed.

The agglomeration is only expanding, with every new investigation generating legions of emails with the phrase “Title IX,” which automatically sort into the spam folder. “I’ve color coded the different types of discrimination — gender as pink and socioeconomic inequalities as green — so the spam folder looks kind of like a watermelon now, which is always fun,” added Reed.

“At a certain point, it just gets to an unmanageable size, you know? All you can do is just let it be. Maybe it’ll go away!”

Reed was unavailable for further comment after hearing that he had won a free cruise.