DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app.
“We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not only is it a great supplement for your iClicker Device, but all of our students and faculty love its efficiency and ease of use,” said Dean of Students Vijay Pendakur, who added that the app can also be used for fun little quizzes to see if people are paying attention at caucuses. “Plus,” he continued, “you get to offload administrative costs onto voters.”
Cornell has also mulled advertising the app’s connectivity issues to the Republican party as a surefire method for voter disenfranchisement.
URIS G01—After facing an iClicker question in lecture and realizing he left his iClicker at home, Chad Morrison ‘22 began the process of purchasing the Reef app, confident he could set everything up before the question closed.
“Yeah, it shouldn’t be too hard,” Morrison said. “Eduroam is pretty fast in this building, and my phone is brand new. I just need to install a quick app store update first.
The class grade largely rests on participation marked by iClicker answers, so Morrison hustled to save the .02% of his grade now at stake. As the professor announced the imminent closing of the answer, Morrison remained hard at work, speeding past the purchase and jumping into installment, sure as ever that he could ultimately find, download, install, register for, and set up the iClicker mobile app in the ten more seconds before the instructor disabled the question.
“I think he can do it. We’re all rooting for him,” said classmate Jillian Farris ‘22. “I told him what the app was called, and the professor’s moving slower today—whatever it takes to answer this specific question.”
After whipping through the update installment, Morrison ended up hitting a roadblock after forgetting his iTunes password, his backup email password, and his backup backup email password.
URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs.
“I never thought there could be so much beauty in this world,” said Alexis Corningstone ‘21, one of the Comedy Savior’s classmates. “He is truly a beacon of hope for us.”
Students reported witnessing a golden light of comedy shining off of the Lord McCannon’s Herculean body as he admitted to his historical gag, causing a wave of uproarious, rapturous laughter. “It was as if the soul of comedy itself was in the room with us that day,” said Corningstone.
“I saw that the question only had two answers, and I just knew what I had to do,” said McCannon humbly, bowing his head. “I was born to do this, to sacrifice my grade on this question for the good of the masses.”
Sources attempted to get a statement from the professor during that fateful morning, but he simply hid devil horns under a beanie and walked away, defeated.
HO PLAZA — In a much anticipated announcement, the newest model of the popular iClicker series was revealed during the annual World Wide Notebook Conference at the Cornell Store.
“The iClicker 7 series truly revolutionizes modern teaching through a myriad of cutting-edge advancements,” said Cornell Store Director Tim Carvell, waltzing across the stage sporting a black turtleneck and jeans, brandishing in his hands the newest revolution in educational technology.
The iClicker 7 boasts fascinating new features, such as streaming capabilities to watch live feeds of your professor from the back row, or a headphone jack for the perfect song while you wait for lecture to start. The i7 even requires a touch identification before answering to ensure students can’t skip lecture by giving their clicker to someone else.
“We envisioned a world where you don’t need to scramble from one device to another to answer your quiz questions. With the iClicker 7, all your multiple choice answering needs can be found in one sleek, artfully crafted place,” added Carvell in front of hundreds of crazed students already filling out orders for the newest device.
The Cornell Store listed the iClicker 7’s starting cost as $799, and that they’ll be required during lecture next week.