“Not if we have anything to say about it,” Cornell Republicans Vow to Personally Baste Any Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden

MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition.  

“This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president. “Since we’ve called ourselves Americans, we’ve been serving overcooked turkey on Thanksgiving Day, right next to the casserole with all the raisins in it and the cranberry sauce still shaped like a can.”

The group is “prepared to take action” according to their statement. Armed with several grill forks, a diverse supply of seasonings such as salt and pepper, and a single turkey baster, the so-called “Poultry Platoon” plans to operate until the end of Thanksgiving break, seizing and seasoning any turkeys which attempt to enter or leave the White House.

The group’s efforts have even gained the support of the alumni community, with the history of the pardoning tradition being skillfully ripped apart by Mr. Job Fowler ‘22. “Like it or not, all turkeys have an equal right to be served up on a platter and eaten,” Fowler wrote in a newspaper no one reads. “They’re practically begging for it. Why else would they run around screaming gobble gobble?”

Fortunately, the group’s tactics were thwarted when they were whisked away from the White House gates by a family on their yearly turkey trot.

“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.”

“Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure that one of these days, it’ll happen,” said the oil-drilling enthusiast and former Halliburton CEO, who was sure his celebrity status as the architect of the Iraq War would make him a shoo-in for at least one graduation speech at an Ivy League university.

“Yeah, Joe’s great and all, but I was Secretary of Defense and White House Chief of Staff, not to mention totally instrumental in defending waterboarding! All I ask for is a little recognition for my contributions to our country.”

Still bummed about being slighted by the 2017 Convocation Committee, Mr. Cheney began to wonder if shooting some guy in the face during a quail hunt as Vice President might have hurt his chances.

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer.

“Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to get rocked!” the recently unemployed Democrat shouted before he polished off the can of Keystone Light in 7 seconds while pumping his fist wildly. “Get ready, because May 28th is going to be the most rockin’ darty this campus has ever seen, and I don’t need Misterwives or Big Whatever to pull it off.”

Biden then proceeded to smash the empty beer can on his head, toss it at a group of raucous frat brothers, and say “Let’s see James Franco try to pull that off.”