April 13, 2017

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer.

“Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to get rocked!” the recently unemployed Democrat shouted before he polished off the can of Keystone Light in 7 seconds while pumping his fist wildly. “Get ready, because May 28th is going to be the most rockin’ darty this campus has ever seen, and I don’t need Misterwives or Big Whatever to pull it off.”

Biden then proceeded to smash the empty beer can on his head, toss it at a group of raucous frat brothers, and say “Let’s see James Franco try to pull that off.”

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