Convocation Committee Just Gives Up and Puts On Episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy”

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After the Convocation Committee’s exhaustive search to find a speaker resulted in a last-minute cancellation by Hassan Minhaj, the committee has unilaterally decided to give up and just throw on an old episode of “Bill Nye The Science Guy” to play at Convocation.

“Kids love the show’s zany experiments and humorous sketches, and scrambling to put something together at the last minute after someone drops out isn’t easy,” said committee member Sarah Finkelstein ‘19. “Hopefully these decades-old VHS tapes of Bill differentiating between sedimentary and metamorphic rocks entertain all the seniors for at least 40 minutes, or at least get them excited about science.”

Before settling on their final plans, the Convocation Committee also considered putting on an episode of “The Magic Schoolbus” and taking everyone at Convocation on a field trip to the Johnson Museum.

“Those other two ideas sounded relatively simple and fun, but it turns out Bill Nye actually went to school here. Once we realized we could tie our last minute ass-covering plan to Cornell, the decision pretty much made itself,” added Convocation Committee Chair Maya Doyle ‘19.

Though Bill Nye offered to actually come speak in person after hearing the news, the committee chose not to accept as choosing someone who offered to come beforehand would make them look desperate and unprepared.

OP-ED: Not to Harsh Roxane Gay’s Vibe, But I’m Also Down to Be the Convocation Speaker

If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.”

Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a sophomore English major from Kentucky, and I don’t want to steal anyone’s idea or anything, but I’d totally be game to do the convocation speech.

Look, I’m not here to talk shit about Roxane Gay. She’s a genuinely phenomenal person. Roxane Gay is a talented writer, a feminist, a professor, and a role model for all.

And I’m Frank. You might remember me from Oceanography.

Ever since Roxane threw her hat in the ring today, I’ve wondered what it would be like if I, Frank, Kentuckian English major, did the exact same thing. I wondered, “Do I deserve this honor, one recently bestowed on Ava DuVernay and Joe Biden?” Yes. Yes, I do.

I’m connected to Cornell in a way Roxane Gay can never be. And I may not have written a bestselling collection of feminist essays, or worked as a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times, but I have raised some pretty solid points in my sociology discussion group.

Plus, I’m committed as hell. But like any high-profile speaker, I’d definitely drop if another mostly meaningless but controversial Student Assembly vote were to occur.

Students Excited for Ava DuVernay After Quick Google of Ava DuVernay

ITHACA, N.Y.—Following the announcement that this year’s convocation speaker will be esteemed filmmaker Ava DuVernay, students gave a collective thumbs-up after looking up her name to find out who she is.

“Woah, turns out this Ava DuVernay is a gifted storyteller giving people of color important representation in the film industry,” said Mike Gibbs ’18, reading directly from her Wikipedia page. “That’s pretty dope.”

“I can’t wait to hear from the director of powerful films like Selma and 13th,” added Becca Sabine ’20. “I did just hear of those movies a few minutes ago, but boy am I excited to look those up, too!”

Noting the overwhelmingly positive reception of the news, sources confirmed that among those who applauded the decision were bigots across campus who were just too lazy to Google her bio.


“Maybe Next Year,” Sighs Dick Cheney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.”

“Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure that one of these days, it’ll happen,” said the oil-drilling enthusiast and former Halliburton CEO, who was sure his celebrity status as the architect of the Iraq War would make him a shoo-in for at least one graduation speech at an Ivy League university.

“Yeah, Joe’s great and all, but I was Secretary of Defense and White House Chief of Staff, not to mention totally instrumental in defending waterboarding! All I ask for is a little recognition for my contributions to our country.”

Still bummed about being slighted by the 2017 Convocation Committee, Mr. Cheney began to wonder if shooting some guy in the face during a quail hunt as Vice President might have hurt his chances.

Joe Biden Shotguns Beer to Celebrate Convocation Speaker Announcement

After weeks of rumors and speculation over who would give the Cornell convocation address at this year’s graduation, the 2017 Convocation Committee announced today that former Vice President of the United States Joe Biden would be the selected speaker, to which Mr. Biden responded by immediately shotgunning a beer.

“Cornell Convocation 2017! Get ready to get rocked!” the recently unemployed Democrat shouted before he polished off the can of Keystone Light in 7 seconds while pumping his fist wildly. “Get ready, because May 28th is going to be the most rockin’ darty this campus has ever seen, and I don’t need Misterwives or Big Whatever to pull it off.”

Biden then proceeded to smash the empty beer can on his head, toss it at a group of raucous frat brothers, and say “Let’s see James Franco try to pull that off.”

James Franco to Give Convocation Speech After Spending 127 Hours Trapped in Gorge

FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today.

“We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock for almost a week,” said Zachary Benfanti ’16, chair of the committee, “and after he ripped his own arm off, we thought it would be a nice gesture to let him give an important speech to the seniors. Hopefully the story of his miraculous survival will be something substantive that the multimillionaire pretentious actor can talk about to his audience.”

Sources report that Franco was visiting campus to discuss the possibility of pursuing another M.F.A., and as part of his trip he decided to hike through a gorge alone. He allegedly was trapped by a large falling rock adjacent to Risley residential college and went missing for several days.

“I am humbled and excited to share my experiences being crushed by a boulder underneath the Thurston Avenue Bridge with the Cornell Class of 2016,” said Franco, who is so honored that he no longer plans to sue Cornell for damages.

At press time, the government of North Korea had condemned Franco’s convocation speech and threatened violence if Kim Jong-Un’s death scene is not removed from the final draft.