DAY HALL—In yet another email to the Cornell community this Tuesday afternoon, President Martha Pollack reiterated her firmly held view that an in-person graduation ceremony would, all things being equal, in theory, be preferable to a virtual graduation event. “I know I might catch some flack for this controversial opinion, but I couldn’t stay silent any longer,” Pollack’s statement began.
“In this time of renewed hope tempered by cautious uncertainty, our administration understands that seniors are seeking substantive information about their graduation,” Pollack continued. “That is why I am overjoyed to give them the clarity they desire with regards to my personal conception of the ideal state of affairs. Please feel free to factor my non-committal preference into your travel plans and moving arrangements. You’re welcome, kids.”
Pollack continued by pointing out that college graduations are important rites of passage that transfer poorly to online formats. She also assured the student body, faculty, and staff, that she was “totally sorry” and “actually felt really bad” after cancelling the previously postponed Class of 2020 celebration in February, because “nine months just wasn’t enough time to plan.”
Pollack’s email concluded with an invitation for seniors to “sit pat and hope for the best.”
ITHACA—In a statement released late on Sunday evening, Cornell University President Martha Pollack refuted claims that she had promised an in-person event for this fall’s commencing ceremony. According to Pollack, the initial statement assuring students that convocation would be held in-person had not actually been issued by her, but by her evil twin, Gartha.
“It has come to my attention that a false promise has been made under the authority of my office without my knowledge or consent. The actions taken by my cunning, malicious twin, Gartha, have one again misled the Cornell community and I emphatically condemn her behavior.”
Reactions to Martha Pollack’s press release have been polarized, with some students upset with the administrative flip flopping and others dismayed with the return of Gartha, whose nefariousness is well documented. Most well known for releasing a series of statements during the summer of 2020 promising that Cornell would actively respond to institutionalized racism in our community, Gartha has had a prolific career of making promises her sister Martha has no intention of keeping.
“Gartha must be stopped. Too long has her reign of terror gone on, misleading the good people of Cornell,” wrote Pollack, before continuing “Gartha has long been a foil to my work, making promises I would never even care to make.”
DAY HALL—Cornell University President and former linguistics major Martha Pollack hit up the groupchat composed of Cornell’s most high-profile administrators to check her spelling on the latest solemn missive to the campus community and “make sure the vibes aren’t off.”
“It was like 1am, and all of a sudden I get this notification. It’s a snippet of her draft email in Outlook 365. And it’s like, dude, you were supposed to have sent this out this afternoon! But I did her a solid and responded with a heart reaction and pointed out she used “Cornellians” three times in one paragraph,” said Joel Malina, Vice President for University Relations.
“I just dropped a compliment when I woke up and saw the message in the morning,” said Madelyn Wessel, who occupies the role of both University Counsel and Pollack’s #1 hype woman. “Thirty thousand plus people are going to receive the email, and at least a thousand of them are going to actually read it; mostly the nerds. That’s a lot of pressure. One misplaced word will be the subject of Guest Room articles and Letters to the Editor for the next month.”
“It came in all weird and pixelated on my phone,” explained Ryan Lombardi, Vice President for Student and Campus Life. “Maybe it’s because I have an Android? I said ‘looks good,’ but honestly, I didn’t read it. I have my own campus-wide email to work on!”
When asked for comment, the Office of the University President clarified that President Pollack receiving proofreading help from her colleagues is in no way a violation of the academic integrity policy, “unlike the obvious outfit copying that Madelyn has been engaging in.”
DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty.
University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses to the acquisition by the global beverage and snack food conglomerate.
“Do I think this will change things around here? Sure. But honestly, changes will mostly be on the administrative side. I doubt students will even notice,” said Dr. Peter Thompson, the Mountain Dew Kickstart Professor of Romance Languages and member of the Quaker Oats Faculty Senate.
The acquisition, occurring for an undisclosed amount, is expected to greatly ease previously anticipated financial hardship for the university while also providing new financial aid programs for students.
“I think this deal will create great new opportunities for students once we get back to campus,” offered Kimberly Rojas, a freshman CS major and recipient of the inaugural Stacy’s Pita Chips Prize for Women of Color in STEM.
“We saw a great deal of alignment between Cornell and our portfolio of other products that, if not consumed in careful moderation, pose extreme health risks to our consumers,” said Bruce Jasper, Senior Brand Director at PepsiCo and newly-appointed member of the Naked [Juice] Board of Trustees. “With the looming financial troubles being faced by the University and our desire to diversify our product mix, this was really a win-win deal.”
As of press time, PepsiCo shareholders, concerned about the acquisition’s impact on quarterly earnings, successfully petitioned the Board of Trustees to immediately end all humanities programs.
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was.
“I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it must be extremely complicated. The implementation of complicated things, frankly, is infeasible. That’s why I had to say no to the CJC’s new proposal,” said Pollack in an email to Professor Robert Howarth, Chair of The University Assembly.
In addition to confusion about the “bifurcated” nature of the system, Pollack also expressed puzzlement as to how evidence could “preponder” and outright bewilderment at the idea that proof itself could carry a burden.
“Another problem is that there are way too many entities involved in this decision making process for me to keep track of,” added Pollack. “If I’m understanding correctly, in addition to University lawyers and administrative boards, we also have an OSA, a CJC, an OJA, a UA, and I think someone mentioned that we now have a PCP? We need to cut down on all of those so I can really get a grip on how we are going to decide who the bad boys and girls are.”
After her final expression of her general state of incertitude, Pollack clarified at the tail end of her email that none of her decision making was in any way connected with the concerns of the student body. “I’m too busy trying to decipher what all these legalistic and procedural terms are while simultaneously advancing investors’ interests over at IBM. I can’t be bothered to read some sophomore’s opinion column in the Daily Sun or whatever,” concluded Pollack