Facebook Commenter’s Description of “Cornell’s Good Old Days” Just Sounds Like Jim Crow Era South

SILER CITY, NC—In response to a Cornell Daily Sun article on campus diversity initiatives, Facebook user Alfred “Al” Dickinson ‘55 utlized the comment section to express his desire for a return to a bygone era in the university’s history—one that was apparently strongly reminiscent of the American South during the first half of the 20th century.

“Back in my day, we didn’t pretend like everyone belongs together all the time,” wrote Dickinson. “Cornell was best when my people lived up on the hill and those others lived down below. Now look at this mess! Ithaca? More like Itha-zuela!!!”

University records indicate that Dickinson, 87, graduated from CALS in 1955, although his Facebook profile indicates that he attended “The School of Hard Knocks.” Dickinson was born outside Fayetteville, Arkansas, and grew up on a sizable cotton farm owned by his father, Stonewall Dickinson, who also managed the only nearby convenience store. He later inherited the farm but moved to Siler City when Fayetteville got too “colorful” for his taste.

“Today’s Ivy League students are so dirty and lazy,” Dickinson continued. “The school lost all of its reputation from back when it was pure. It really disgusts me how all this ‘diversity and inclusion’ bullshit is putting black marks on Cornell’s snow-white reputation.”

At press time, other Facebook users braced for Dickinson’s inevitable screed after the Daily Sun posted an article on the SA disarmament vote.

Big Red Wagon Train Headin’ Out West

ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer.

“I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his wagon bed, “I heard that you can see the sun every day out in Californee’, and tech and start-up jobs just be aboundin’ out the valleys from the brim.”

Hopes of a promised-land out West have led many Cornellians to renounce their allegiance to Ithaca, and join O’Brien’s Big Red wagon train in search for their hope and big dreams of becoming the next fancyman like Mark Zuckerberg.

“Wise ole’ Charlie be a leadin’ us to new lands of unlimited start-up venture capital,” said Sammie Todd ’18, churning her butter strainer in preparation for the 5 ½ hour flight, “I just know out in Californee’ we gonna get funded.”

O’Brien and his disciples soon turned around after discovering the price of average San Francisco apartments on Zillow.