Women’s Hockey Team Members Send Congratulations From Beijing Olympics as Men’s Hockey Team Wins First Game in 3 Weeks

BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics.

“It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team captain Caroline Jessup ‘15. “I even skipped the medal ceremony to come back to Ithaca and congratulate the boys myself. What’s one more medal, right?”

Cornell hockey fans from all over were quick to show their excitement for the Men’s team demolishing Union College this past weekend, despite the Women’s team also demolishing Union College this past weekend and having performed similarly well to the Men’s team this season with little to no recognition.

“I’ve always been a sucker for a good underdog story,” said Alyssa Hart ‘22, two-time Olympian and ECAC champion. “It gives me hope that one day they too will make it to the Olympics.”

As of press time, the price of Men’s Hockey tickets quadrupled while the price of Women’s Hockey tickets decreased to $0.

Students Psyched for Olympics Being on in the Background

COLLEGETOWN — As the Winter Olympics kick into high gear, students across campus are eagerly playing it in the background while they do other things.

“Oh man, I’ve been waiting for four years to debate our Domino’s order while Lindsey Vonn squiggles around on NBC Sports,” said Ross Flannigan ‘18. “Will we get cheesy bread? Did something happen with that whole Korea situation? Who knows?!”

Three fraternities will be hosting huge Beer Olympics parties, where brothers might notice the world-class athletes performing record-breaking feats on the flatscreen upstairs while they’re on their way to the basement to play beer pong.

“I’m so zazzed to pass out into a Nasties calzone while some sport with snow happens on the TV,,” said Janice Harper ‘20. “Isn’t snow great?”

As the eight Cornellians at this year’s Winter Olympics fulfill their dreams in Pyeongchang, they can sleep easy knowing their accomplishments will be acknowledged by the likes of people who prefer background noise during sex.