OLIN LIBRARY—I’ll say it. I am sick and tired of these so-called STEM majors complaining about their fucking “prelims”, “research,” and the “general horror that is being pre-med.” Quite frankly, if “studying for the MCAT” were so important, you wouldn’t be interrupting my (very much needed) afternoon public Poptropica session.
As I was sitting on the first floor of Olin Library, it became clear to me that our future doctors don’t even care about their studies. I was embarking on the elementary quest of 24 Carrot Island, a spiritual journey that cannot be confined to airpods. Soon, the student beside me completely abandoned what they were doing. Instead of paying attention to the essential foundations of biochemistry, they were glaring at my screen.
If Poptropica was such a distraction for them, they should have never gone to the library in the first place. Guess evil rabbits are more important than eradicating cancer, huh?
Worse, once I cranked the volume up to watch the walkthrough video, they started clearing their throat, probably an indication of some sort of infectious disease. This was troubling. What kind of doctor can’t even take care of themselves? WAKE UP PEOPLE! You want these degenerates treating your children?
BAKER LAB — Dr. William Dichtel was awarded the highly prestigious MacArthur “Genius Award” Fellowship when he became the first person to pass an orgo prelim that he himself gave to his students.
When asked about how he earned the $625,000 recognition, Dichtel replied “I studied for a few hours, but at the end of the day it came down to luck.”
The last person to successfully manage a 70% or higher on his own chemistry exam was Nobel Prize-winning chemist and Cornell faculty member Peter Debye, back in 1943.
“I still can’t believe I was able to remember concepts I’d been teaching for 10 years,” said the ground-breaking researcher, who will likely get through his own class just barely managing a B+.
After he had accepted the award, Dichtel was found on Yahoo answers looking up this week’s problem set.
After sending out dozens of applications over the past month, Christina Walkerman ’16 is currently realizing that her cumulative GPA may not be high enough to grant her admission to a top-tier afterlife.
“I’ve done the community service, internships, and got a great score on the MCAT, but it’s my grades that I’m concerned about,” said Walkerman. “I know for a fact that God pays extra close attention to your GPA when making His decisions.”
The admissions offices in the Great Beyond have historically taken Cornell’s academic rigor and grade deflation into account, however the competitive applicant pool of the righteous is especially demanding this season.
She added, “At this point I don’t even care where I end up when I die. I just need to get in somewhere. Valhalla, the Elysian Fields, any of the highly regarded metaphysical planes will do. Then my parents will be happy.”
Walkerman will remain hopeful through this year, hoping the recommendation letter from her pastor will be enough to tip the admissions angels’ favor and save her from the dark, boiling inferno of eternal suffering or applying to law school as a back-up.