Pre-Med Worried GPA Not High Enough to Get into Top Tier Heaven

After sending out dozens of applications over the past month, Christina Walkerman ’16 is currently realizing that her cumulative GPA may not be high enough to grant her admission to a top-tier afterlife.

“I’ve done the community service, internships, and got a great score on the MCAT, but it’s my grades that I’m concerned about,” said Walkerman. “I know for a fact that God pays extra close attention to your GPA when making His decisions.”

The admissions offices in the Great Beyond have historically taken Cornell’s academic rigor and grade deflation into account, however the competitive applicant pool of the righteous is especially demanding this season.

She added, “At this point I don’t even care where I end up when I die. I just need to get in somewhere. Valhalla, the Elysian Fields, any of the highly regarded metaphysical planes will do. Then my parents will be happy.”

Walkerman will remain hopeful through this year, hoping the recommendation letter from her pastor will be enough to tip the admissions angels’ favor and save her from the dark, boiling inferno of eternal suffering or applying to law school as a back-up.

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