ITHACA COMMONS — After several days of internal probing, the Cornell Daily Sun has conclusively determined that a pool of liquid water exists on their servers currently facing technical difficulties.
“This is a truly exciting new discovery,” said Peyton Schwarz ’16 systems manager for the top-ranked collegiate news source in America. “We will now be able to answer some the big questions of life like, ‘Are we the only intelligent beings in the universe trying to figure out why our website is down?'”
In the days leading up to the discovery, the editorial staff was still under the assumption that The Sun was just a frozen, arid website that may once have supported readers eons earlier. Now that free-flowing H2O has been uncovered inside their computer hardware, there may yet be hope for users to exist on their page.
“We hope that one day in the not-too-distant future, our site will be able to be visited by humans regularly,” Schwartz added. “I hope this can happen before our print edition succumbs to Earth’s disappearing paper resources.”