Op-Ed: Why I Won’t Be Sending My Super Spicy Manifesto to the Sun’s Op-Ed Section

I have a take that is probably hotter than a damn quasar, but you will never see it published in the Daily Sun Opinion section. While my piece would definitely scorch Guest Room like the Notre Dame Cathedral, I feel like my earth-shattering letter would just get lost in the shuffle of entirely unfounded, trigger-happy writing. My take is not “be happy rich kids go here” hot, nor as toasty as “grade deflation is real, sheeple: let’s get rid of it.” Nay, my take is spicier than both… combined. However, in an act of brave defiance, I refuse to stoke the fires of the Cornell community with the stick of dynamite that is my opinion. So there is nothing to fear; I will not be exploding your freaking minds anytime soon. Additionally, I call upon every Cornell student whose veins run hot with controversy and whose pens flow with pure capsaicin to stand as a unit and boycott the Daily Sun Opinion section. Allow them to shiver in the cold without our steamy opinions to keep them warm. Let us watch them crumble under the weight of pedestrian takes that are backed with “data” or are based in “reality.” We shall extinguish the Sun with freezing, well-written opinions, and only after then shall we rise like a new dawn on our own sun that is fueled exclusively by our wildly off-collar perspectives. But like, for real, peep my piece on the The Odyssey: “Why You Should Wait Until Sex To Get Married.”

OP-ED: I Actually Don’t Have Much Stress and I Just Wanted to Let You Know in an OP-ED

With all of the current hullabaloo surrounding student stress and its discussion in our campus community, I figured it was time for me, a happily stress-free student, to let all of you know I am currently doing great.

While many students find it difficult to manage their social lives, academics, and mental wellbeing, It really hasn’t been too much of a problem for me. I’m actually doing quite well in all of my classes and I feel very loved and supported by my many close friends and family members.

One of the main sources of stress for my fellow upperclassmen is the search for a job out of college. A lot of my friends have told me they find themselves spending hours a day, consumed by neuroticism, sifting through job openings on LinkedIn. I can’t relate to them though, and I just tell them I’m not worried. Something will turn up for sure. I’m a smart guy who works decently hard, and my dad can always get me a job at his company.

People may think being unstressed sounds like a dream come true, but it can actually be very tough to deal with. Just the other weekend, my roommates asked if I wanted to go to Olin and pet puppies with them to relieve stress before prelims. Though I did have my first and only prelim the next day which was all multiple-choice, I felt really good about it so there was no reason for me to go with them.

Well that’s basically it from me folks. I hope my perspective as a student without any stress at all will help you become less stressed, just like I am.

This Week’s “Sex on Thursdays” Just Straight-up Porn

DOWNTOWN ITHACA—In a statement released earlier today, The Cornell Daily Sun has announced that their latest “Sex on Thursdays” article will be straight-up, uncensored porn.

“We’ve always felt the need to give our ‘Sex on Thursdays’ writers as much creative freedom as possible, so it’s only fitting that one of them would upload a personal video directly to Pornhub,” explained editor-in-chief Antonia Sokol. “Considering our previous articles, I think we’ve really set a precedent that justifies our readers watching two people just go at it for 30 minutes, and that’s something we’re really proud of.”

The video, already viewed by thousands of students and their families, includes visible sexual intercourse and features some poor graduate student’s desk in the stacks of the Olin Library and the sound of the Cornell Chimes playing “Yellow Submarine” for the twentieth time.

When asked how they plan to top this week’s article, Sokol mentioned that the publication has plans “to run something a little less vanilla next time. Just you wait!”

OP-ED: Let’s Get Rid of the College of Engineering

I loved my time in Cornell’s College of Engineering. It was fundamental toward my growth as a human being and as a career-oriented undergraduate; some of the kindest, most intelligent Cornellians I’ve met have been my peers studying engineering. That said, the whole College of Engineering is despicable, and we should just get rid of it.

For those who don’t know, the College of Engineering is—at least in theory—supposed to be about the practical applications of math and science. But visit the Engineering website, and you’ll find dozens of self-centered phrases celebrating “enrollment,” “alumni,” and “Carpenter Hall.” Like, we get it. You have buildings. God.

For seniors in high school, the interview process for engineering during college applications is pretentious, and frankly idiotic. What makes an alumni of the College of Engineering qualified to judge admissions into the College of Engineering? It’s a cult. What we are looking at is a cult.

Here is a College that encourages people to “work together” and “have regular meetings.” Remind you of anything? Fraternities. Indeed, there exists within the College a culture of clear and systematic hazing. Every single course in engineering hazes students (including freshmen) with the same cruel, exploitative stunt: making them do engineering. And to think, my fraternity was shut down just for smashing construction tools into our pledges’ nuts.

Are there solutions to these problems? Most likely. Is this major part of Cornell’s academic framework worth fixing? Probably. Should we let that get in the way of the number of clicks this piece will get? Absolutely not.

OP-ED: I’m so glad I got your perspective on that, Daily Sun Op-Ed!

KLARMAN HALL—Wow, I just put down your 800-word Op-Ed and I can’t help but feel changed. What a read! Who knew your childhood love of orange umbrellas could tell us so much about the heroin epidemic in Ithaca? Now I know, thanks to your Op-Ed.

And what you said about politics—enlightening! It was so brave of you to share how much better you are than the rest of us after your spring break service trip to Costa Rica. I wish more people were talking about how much better things would be if poor people had money.

Your well-informed wave of perspective is crashing over the Cornell student body—heck, you may have 10 or even 12 eyes reading it (not counting your sorority sisters of course)!

You really take on the administration—if President Pollack doesn’t implement the changes you demand after reading your article, I don’t know if she ever will! Anyway, thanks again for sharing your perspective on all of that, really powerful stuff. I’ll probably remember it for 5 more minutes before I find a Tasty Video on my Facebook feed.

OP-ED: With the Daily Sun Printing Less, What Will I Cut Eyeholes Out of To Spy on My Ex?

By Trey Dean, Concerned Ithacan

We all know that printed newspapers are a dying medium, and invariably in the future everything will transition online. But I’ve been a loyal fan of the Cornell Daily Sun for year, and now that they’ve announced their reduced printing schedule, I can’t help but wonder what I’ll cut little eyeholes out of when I’m spying on my ex-girlfriend in the park.

You see, one thing I’m not happy about is that when you have a newspaper, a real tangible newspaper, that’s something special. It’s something families can share with one another, instead of everyone being all on their own devices all the time. But more importantly, it was a pretty vital part of my elaborate plan to get back with Susan, and if I can’t disguise myself behind a fresh Daily Sun so she won’t notice me, well that’s just a damn shame.

I remember for the past five years, I’ve gotten a Daily Sun off the corner every day of the week, read three or four of the front page headlines, punched a few holes through the Art & Entertainment section, followed Susan out of her apartment to walk her dog, then sat on a distant bench and used binoculars if the holes were big enough. But I won’t be able to do that on Wednesdays and Fridays, which really ruins my chances with her now.

Well, if online is what the future holds for the Daily Sun, I’ll have no choice but to just go with it. It’s just a huge loss that I can’t fold my iPad into a neat hat too. She used to love newspaper hats.

OP-ED: A Letter to the Daily Sun

By Sam Nadell, Co-Editor-in-Chief of CU Nooz

Having been a writer for CU Nooz for the past three years, I’ve noticed that, whether we like it or not, the Daily Sun and CU Nooz have been in a little bit of competition. Let me just start by saying that to even be in competition with such a highly regarded college newspaper is an honor in itself. You guys have been around for over a hundred years, keeping Cornell updated on a daily basis, just as your name implies. But I feel now that I need to speak up against the Daily Sun, and call you all out on something that I believe nobody else has the guts to say.

CU Nooz is the best satirical newspaper source on campus, and often I don’t find the Daily Sun funny or satirical at all.

Look, I know this is an unpopular opinion, and certainly a slightly biased one, but I can’t fathom how thousands of Cornell students and faculty read the Daily Sun when their supposedly humorous headlines are mediocre at best! Take this headline as an example: “Elizabeth Garrett Defends Freedom of Speech.” Where’s the funny hook? Where’s the comedic edge that will attract readers to click on the article? Is the joke supposed to be that speech isn’t free because Cornell is charging tuition for it? Because if that’s the case then it’s not coming through in the headline at all. Yet besides all of my complaints, hundreds if not thousands of people probably read this article. I’m baffled!

I don’t mean to toot our own horn, but at CU Nooz we’ve come to think that we’re getting pretty decent at this whole satire thing, and it’s hard to break into any new market when there’s an incredibly similar product already there. You can imagine how frustrating it is for us, then, to post similar yet funnier articles than the Sun but get significantly less recognition! When Brandon Stanton of Humans of New York came to campus, CU Nooz wrote an article titled “Students Excited to See Every Human of New York,” the joke being that instead of just the HONY guy coming to Bailey Hall, every person in New York would be there. A few days later, the Daily Sun published an eerily similar article with the headline “Interview with HONY Photographer Brandon Stanton,” totally undermining our joke for a cheap one of your own. I will admit though that the idea of interviewing someone and putting it as an article is pretty funny.  

Again, I want to restate that we at CU Nooz have the utmost respect for the Daily Sun, but I think after 135 years, there’s a new sheriff in town. And it’s us. CU Nooz. So keep writing your satirical articles if you’d like, but just know that we’re coming for you, and I bet that in a few months or years we’ll be the laughing stock of the whole school.

Cornell Daily Sun Abandons Obsolete Online Presence for State-of-the-Art Print Newspaper

ITHACA COMMONS—After over a decade of publishing their daily newspaper online, The Cornell Daily Sun has officially decided to cut their anachronistic and outdated digital branch and stop publishing on their website.

“We at the Sun have a commitment to staying contemporary and felt that deleting our website would be a good place to start in our strive to remaining relevant and fresh,” said Stephanie Kim, Assistant to the Editor of the Cornell Daily Sun in a statement released today.

“With such low demand for our online server, the cost of maintaining the website is too great to support. Some of our more conservative readers will undoubtedly struggle in fully giving up their beloved digital format, but I think once they see that print is the future of journalism, they will finally submit to deactivating our tumblr page, the last vestiges of our tired electronic presence, and going exclusively print.”

Later on in the day, the Sun’s editors were seen closing the lids on their laptops and headed to the Risley basement, where they plan on firing up their 1911 printing press for tomorrow’s morning edition.

Water Discovered on Cornell Daily Sun Servers

ITHACA COMMONS — After several days of internal probing, the Cornell Daily Sun has conclusively determined that a pool of liquid water exists on their servers currently facing technical difficulties.

“This is a truly exciting new discovery,” said Peyton Schwarz ’16 systems manager for the top-ranked collegiate news source in America. “We will now be able to answer some the big questions of life like, ‘Are we the only intelligent beings in the universe trying to figure out why our website is down?'”

In the days leading up to the discovery, the editorial staff was still under the assumption that The Sun was just a frozen, arid website that may once have supported readers eons earlier. Now that free-flowing H2O has been uncovered inside their computer hardware, there may yet be hope for users to exist on their page.

“We hope that one day in the not-too-distant future, our site will be able to be visited by humans regularly,” Schwartz added. “I hope this can happen before our print edition succumbs to Earth’s disappearing paper resources.”