University Never Expected to Make It This Far

ITHACA — As Cornell’s Sesquicentennial celebrations come to an end, students, alumni, faculty and more are still in shock that the university was able to survive for the past 150 years. Many among the Cornell community thought this school would have collapsed much sooner, and it is truly a miracle that it was able to last this long.

Famed Cornell historian Isaac Kramnick lectured on Charter Day about how “the university’s historic mishandling of assets means that, by all accounts, we should have gone under around the turn of the twentieth century. And how we ever survived the depression is beyond me.”

Archivists in Olin Library have uncovered some of Ezra Cornell’s original notes made at the university’s inception, circa 1863, reading “Any person can find instruction in any study. Let us see how long we can maintain that standard. In my estimation, perhaps some twenty years before we deplete our already sparse resources. I would be pleased with that. Thirty would be a stretch.”

All things considered, 150 years is a spectacular achievement, given the circumstances. Current estimations give Cornell University another five, ten years tops.

How to Celebrate Charter Day

  • Find your favorite charter.
  • Attend your 1:25 class.
  • Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial
  • Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams.
  • Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it.
  • Take Ezra Cornell to Day Hall and make him demand that they give you a 4.0.
  • Make the founders bodies fight in the arts quad over the main principles of the university.
  • Rekindle A.D. White’s century old love affair with his wife.
  • Show Ezra Cornell’s granddaughter that he really did care for her after all.
  • Panic after Ezra Cornell’s hand falls off when you try to shake David Skorton’s hand.
  • Call in a favor from an estranged friend for some super glue and a steady hand. Learn a valuable lesson about friendship and overcoming challenges.
  • Return the founder’s corpses to their respective graves. Do it right or else their spirits will haunt you.

SA President Busy Rehearsing Speech for Trustees to Ignore

STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore.

Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and moving as possible before spending an additional four hours memorizing it. Balik is preparing to deliver the speech to the Board this weekend, where the Board will spend approximately ten to twelve seconds considering Balik’s carefully chosen words before ignoring them altogether.

“Did I leave the heat on in my penthouse?” Chairman Robert S. Harrison will ask himself as Balik passionately appeals to the basic human empathy she thinks the trustees possess. “I hope so. I don’t want it to be cold when I get back.”

During the climax of Balik’s meticulously crafted speech, Board member Patricia E. Harris will drift off and make a scene by almost falling out of her seat.

By the time Balik will have retaken her seat, confident in having influenced the decisions of the Board, the trustees will have already forgotten her name and why she came to the meeting.

Cornell Football Loses to Grace Potter and Icona Pop in Homecoming Game

SCHOELLKOPF —With thousands of students and alumni on campus to celebrate Homecoming weekend, football fans were disappointed on Saturday as Cornell was defeated 31-14 by musicians Grace Potter and Icona Pop.

“I’m very proud of my boys, but we all knew it was going to be rough going up against an indie singer and a Swedish DJ duo, and we simply were the worse team today,” stated Cornell football coach David Archer ’05, who had tried to softly lower his players’ expectations before the Homecoming game which seemed to be mismatched from the start.

“I’ll be honest, I’m a pretty big Icona Pop fan. ‘I Don’t Care’ is just so catchy! But yeah, those girls really destroyed us out there. You just can’t win football games when a 31-year old Grace Potter is marauding around the field, brutally tackling all of your players,” continued Archer.

Coach Archer was later seen telling his team to forget about the loss, and think back to more positive times such as last year’s Homecoming game when they defeated long-time rival Ke$ha.

Cornell to Celebrate 150 Years By Reminding Everybody About It Constantly

DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old.

“This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the best way to commend the hard work of generations of faculty and students was to put the number ‘150’ just about everywhere on campus,” declared president David Skorton, while speaking from a podium covered with the number.

“Libe Café will be selling coffee for 150 cents, Cornell Cinema will be showing 150 hours of movies, and the heights of all buildings will be increased so that they are divisible by 150 feet. This is the best way to celebrate the work of our founders, Ezra Cornell and A.D. White, who established this university – you guessed it – 150 years ago.”

Further developments indicate that to keep up with the festivities, engineering professors will be making their tests out of 150 points while still only giving 100 as the highest grade.