Formal Attire Compensates For Two Hours of Being Drunk and Trashy

BOATYARD GRILL – Looking like highly sophisticated and fully functioning members of society, attendees of Rho Upsilon Tau’s annual fall formal felt no lack of dignity despite several hours of behaving like trash and getting fucked up at a very nice venue.

“It’s really great to enjoy a classy event with everyone dressed up so spiffy to conclude a great semester,” said a finally clean-shaven Noah Sampson ‘18, while shackled to his date and buying his seventh Long Island of the night.

Stylish young women in sleek dresses and heels were seen rummaging through their purses for plastic water bottles full of vodka as their smartly-dressed gentlemen passed out in the corners of one of Ithaca’s most acclaimed five star restaurants.

“The highlight of my evening was when that 1738 song played,” said Kelsey Tucker ‘19, referring to the moment when every refined, elegant, Ivy-League socialite transitioned to the dance floor and slowly grinded to trap music under a low-lit strobe light.

The successful upscale event concluded when the brothers and their dates stumbled off of a puke ridden elementary school bus to go trash their annex.

Asian Restaurant Replacing Dunbar’s Whether You Like it or Not

COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not.

Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated with foreign characters and flowery designs indicative of Asian cuisine, much to the chagrin of you and your friends. In the following weeks, it is expected that you will frequently complain about the closure of Dunbar’s and refuse to enter the new Asian restaurant before eventually hearing about their excellent dumplings and changing your mind.

Later reports indicate that it’s only a matter of time before Rulloff’s faces a similar fate, forcing you and your friends to trek all the way down to the commons if you ever want a fun night out again.