“He Probably Says That To All The Girls” Sighs Student After Receiving A “Come See Me After Class” Comment On Latest Failed Statistics Homework

MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class.

“I really thought we had something,” Emmanuel sighed. “I mean, ‘Come see me after class,’ what kind of sick game is he playing? Last week I answered a question and he told me, ‘great job.’ If that’s not an innuendo then I didn’t send erotic photos to my high school English teacher.”

Emmanuel did eventually visited her statistics professor, Professor Nadir, during office hours, during which he sat exactly one foot and four inches away from her and expressed his disappointment in her performance on the latest homework by touching her shoulder comfortingly. Emmanuel saw this as a declaration of his absolute adoration for her while Professor Nadir just wanted her to leave his office.

“She failed her assignment because she didn’t answer any of the questions correctly,” Professor Nadir explained. “When asked to calculate the probability of rolling at least four threes with eleven dice, she wrote, ‘probably more than my chances with you :(‘ and for question three she just drew a naked stick figure with some overemphasized proportions, if you know what I mean.”

Professor Nadir declined to comment further on his relationship with Emmanuel, saying only that he’s looking forward to grading more of her papers and those of other undergraduate women lining up outside his door for an equally private office hours session.

Report: Guy From Your Hometown Knows That Guy You Know

DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know.

“Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr. Phil Hartman, the project’s principal investigator, adding that the sheer probability of you and another guy from your area both knowing a third guy is so crazy.

The findings also suggest that, though the two of them are not particularly close, this guy had one or two pretty funny anecdotes about that other guy, and probabilistic models indicate you will bring them up the next time you see that guy around.

The report concludes by showing that in nine out of ten cases, this guy from the city or suburb you grew up in also went to that restaurant you love, and the two of you will absolutely have to go together sometime over break.